The Fiver | It’s not yet clear how the Erik ten Hag era will go farcically wrong

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Pity poor Fiver, who had several bons mots regarding Thursday’s relegation-infused battle between Burnley and Southampton ready to go – proper zingers they were, too – when white smoke suddenly started parping out of the chimneystack at Old Trafford. The Theatre of Dreams isn’t in the best nick at the moment, so there were initial worries that the 1967 Baby Belling that heats up all the matchday pies had finally given up the ghost, but upon closer examination it proved to be even more epochal news than that. Turns out the papal conclave had finally gotten round to making an informed decision for the first time since 1986, and so it was announced the new manager of Manchester United would be Erik ten Hag, to the surprise of absolutely nobody and the resigned disappointment of Mauricio Pochettino. Oh Mauricio! You’ll always have Paris.

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