A Predisposition
Wednesday 25th of March 2020
On a piece of paper, on my bed, is written: “Fear is a habit that you fall into.”
It can be. When this happens we call it phobia, we call it anxiety, and it becomes something we live with.
My sister’s talking about moving in with her boyfriend, and it’s not really a big deal now, with the nation, the world, being in lockdown, but it’s there, a lingering unspokenness, that this is change. It’s a change she doesn’t see yet, but I do, I’ve seen it before. Her world will become about him, her home, their home, her life, their life. Spending time with my sister will become about separating her from him, or spending time with ‘them’. I’m just selfishly not into that. It only works if you have a partner too, then you’re not intruding on a couple, you’re participating, not looking in. Couples like to spend time with other couples, and slowly, or sometimes not so slowly, you get phased out.
I can see it in her in a subtle way, I can see her trying to navigate how to be a sister, a daughter, a friend, and a girlfriend. Maybe she’ll master it, find the appropriate balance.
In me, it’s induced a sort of mourning. I’m mourning the recognisible, the familiar. I’m trying to find a balance between accepting the changes and the changes to come and fondly remember how things used to be.
I want the simplicity of the familiar, I want the world, well, my world, under my imaginary control.
I heard this the other day and repeating it makes me feel better:
“Relax. Nothing is under our control.”
On the surface it sounds scary, but it’s not, its:
“Relax. Nothing is under our control.”
Nothing but ourselves, nothing but our own reactions, nothing but our own choices, nothing but our own outlook. Relax, the world too big for us to control, it’s gonna do what it does regardless of us, we can’t change it, don’t exhaust yourself trying to, don’t worry yourself over it. It’s pointless, it won’t help. It’s released so much panic. For example, whilst everyone has been panic buying toilet roll and hand-wash, I got two new pieces of art for my home, and I’m currently eyeing a third, and miraculously, I haven’t run out of toilet roll or hand-wash. I’ve been working on some cover design ideas for the novel, and making plans for future work. These are the things that are important to me and everything else… my loneliness, my phobias, my anxiety, they’re just habits I’ve fallen into, things I live with and have given names to normalise, things I’m used to.
There’s a stillness over the world right now, a holding of breath, a collective tension in our jaws and shoulders, a weight on our brows. And I wonder, would it be better to go through this with someone? Would it be better to be part of it all, rather than the observer, looking in?
