I Walked Away.

 I started this blog about three times and I really said what I thought needed to be said. I was up front, blunt, right on target, and I hit the mark with force! That's why I deleted it three separate times and tried again. I continued to write it, to express my opinion, but each time I realized that what I was doing was just venting about my own personal feelings about the situation. I wasn't giving any thought really to how the other person may be feeling and how he may be reacting to what I think is this way or that way. I do that, and it's not the best side of me. I need to work on it, and I am working on it, but at the same time I am absolutely certain that I was 100% correct when I said I needed to walk away for my own good. I did that. I walked away. My choice.

    I wasn't in a relationship. You can't have a relationship of any type without there being a reciprocation by at least two parties. Most relationships are bi-partisan anyway. I bet there are some that are more involved, but what I walked away from was just a mono-thing - - me, and me only. I guess we could include God since He was the one who commissioned me in the first place. Like any good soldier I did exactly what I was called to do. I went where I was sent, I said what I was to say, I did what I was to do, and all without much of a plan really.  I was guided by my heart and led by the Spirit. I don't know that my years of prayers meant anything whatsoever to the other party - - the party that was NOT reciprocating and who was NOT the least bit appreciative that I alone was praying for him when it was made clear to me (and to him) that even his own wife nor mother was actually lifting him in prayer on a daily (or remotely) basis. It was me. That and that alone was the reason God must have commissioned me. My deployment is finished. I put in my papers this morning, and God accepted them. The man is set free and he is on his own. I suppose I'll still lift a prayer now and then, but I won't lift a finger to help him.  Sorry, omission is the same as commission to me when it comes to showing gratitude or even reasonable acknowledgement. 

    To say I am upset would not be accurate. I am done.  I am not in any way angry with the man. He can't be blamed for my choices. He was in need of prayer and for whatever reason God gave that to me; OK, I did it. I think I may have made a mistake in letting him know he was being lifted to God. He either got scared or panicked, I'm not sure, but the rudeness and the apparent blocking and avoidance has been both unnecessary and thankless. It's not even that I needed to be thanked. I really didn't need that because he wasn't the one who was asking me to pray -- but you'd think, one would think, that if someone is giving up time to hold your needs before Almighty God that there may be some showing of relief; instead I was met with unmindful rudeness and purposely talked about, having false stories told about me and tales about my personal character. No. I didn't sign up for that. I asked God about 100 times in the past (for these and other reasons) I could just simply stop. I was told no. Today I put in my request again, and this time I was sent home from the battlefield. 

    When my son returned from his tours of duty he was never truly appreciated by the people he was actually standing guard over. He wasn't shown the least bit of love from most of them. Sure, there were a few who nodded his way, or allowed him to throw candy to their kids in the streets, but he came home knowing that he did his job. He did his job well enough that the people of those countries were at least that much better off because he and thousands of men and women like him were there to do their duty and to answer their commission. It sort of feels like that. I didn't ask for this particular assignment, and at first it wasn't all that difficult. As time went on and the man's life seemingly fell apart, you'd think that me praying for him would have been accepted but that's not what happened. I was shunned, and to my dismay, this fine Christian man allowed his (now divorced) wife to say things about me to his friends and to people we both know. He didn't stop her. Maybe he was too scared to face the truth about what was happening. I don't know. Me being there struck a few chords and he was reeling I suppose from the truth I was able to reveal to him. I know I opened his eyes on a few occasions; occasions he was so blinded from and had zero knowledge of the events - - how can people be this oblivious? He was. He still is. His choice.

    Well, today was the day. It wasn't a day of commission. He didn't do anything, but rather it was the omissions that did it for me. He's not taking responsibility for things he should and I am in no position to address that. He is not my husband. He is not my anything, but he is a grown ass man and should be able to be both mentally efficient and efficient in character. He's saying he's a follower of Christ but not changing things in his life that reflect open and obvious sin. We all sin. I sin too. I want to be brought around when it happens so I can confess it. He wants to hide it under a rug and pretend it doesn't exist or he's apt to say it's no ones business. Really?  Yes it is!

    I could continue to beat my head against the proverbial wall, or I could walk away. Deciding to walk was not an easy choice. It meant I would need to stop caring and I would need to stop sharing too. I've done that. I would say I regret these past two and a half years in the prayer closet, because they don't seem to have made any real difference, but I know that isn't true. God says our duty is to HIM not to ourselves and we are to glorify HIM; so that is what I did, and I am thankful for the bricks thrown at me, and the wall from whence I removed my skull.  There will be a day when the Lord reveals to this man that the absence of prayer is the hardest burden of all. The unfortunate thing is, I won't be waiting on the corner to catch him when he does fall. He has to hit the ground full force unless he can muster up a way to change what he knows needs to be changed. That is between him and his God. I did my tour.

    OK. I think I can post it now. I wanted to get it out of my head and heart because it hurts. There may be more people like me, who from their souls have committed themselves to prayer and not seen a blip of a difference in the person for whom the prayers were given. The thing is, that's not the point. The point is to be faithful to God and God alone. Do what you are told. Go where you are sent. Say what you are commanded, and be who you are supposed to be. Jonah made it to Nineveh. He got there in a very upsetting manner, and when he arrived he was shocked to find out that God's plan had actually worked! Well, I have a HUGE advantage over Jonah; my grandpa taught me how to fish and not be bait. He also taught me to answer God every time - - before the storm hits that sends you over the side of the boat and into the blistering sea. 

    Good bye, Tex.  "See ya on the other side"

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