What Scares me About Writing
Photo by Yannick Pulver on UnsplashThis is a response to Kern Carter’s writing prompt: What Scares You About Writing?
Writing is a spiritual practice for me. One of the times when I can really feel free-er and process things or ideas that weigh on me or play with me.
It gives me the ability to work through my feelings and thoughts in such a way that I can make sense of things past and present, and dream about the future.
Sometimes the purpose of my writing is to inspire, at times it's to inform, share, and reveal, but always to connect.
What I FearConnecting is the ultimate goal, which I suppose explains why sharing my writing can be a bit nerve-wracking, at times. I fear being seen as a horrible writer who doesn’t really have anything of value to offer. I fear that I am possibly embarrassing myself, revealing too much of who I am.
Being publicly vulnerable is terrifying.
Being vulnerable through my writing can sometimes feel like I’m standing in front of everyone naked and uncovered, knowing some will look upon me and love what they see and want more, while others will glance in my direction, find me lacking in appeal, and decide to move on.
Yet, I choose to be naked anyway. And, don’t we all? Everyone isn’t for everybody — we know this, so that’s not really the issue. The issue is finding a sense of belonging among your tribe — your people. You don’t really expect everyone to be in love, but you hope that some people will fall madly, deeply — and value you for you.
We all want to be bare, unmasked, and still accepted — well, at least, I do.
This year, I have really been making a real attempt to find my voice and be heard, and to be more accepting of all of me — that means getting more comfortable with being vulnerable, whether that be with my husband, my writing, people in my life, or within myself. And also realizing that I’m fine as is.
What I was previously not willing to speak aboutThere are a lot of topics I previously was unwilling to speak about. Actually, when I first wrote something on Medium, I wrote a piece about cozy mysteries. I did like, and still like, cozy mysteries, but I chose to go that route because it wasn’t revealing. It would be a way to speak on something without really speaking from my heart. But I found that trying to do a whole blog on cozies wasn’t something I was invested in doing. When I came back a couple of months ago, I came determined to be real, honest, and open. And I love my journey now.
Some of my most vulnerable pieces are my poems, which all have so much of myself poured into them.
For instance, My Secret Garden, which was recently published, is a deeply written poem with sensuality infused throughout. It is essentially about intimacy and connection. After it was published, I instantly felt like — whoa, now we naked, naked!
There's also I Did — which is probably one of the rawest poems I ever wrote about phases I've lived, the people I’ve been.
Or The Ugliest Words, where I shared my extreme hurt when the father of my middle child nearly broke me with his words. With this poem, I was saddened by the number of women who could relate- that is truly heartbreaking.
Then there’s my about me article, About Me-Rachel Gause, which literally gave me heart palpitations when I feared I had overshared. Truly, I thought for a while to delete anything that wasn’t positive in that article. The idea of possible judgment due to my admittance of past substance abuse and of mental health issues was paralyzing.
Sharing these things sometimes made, even makes, my heart race. It's scary to think that something may be used against me, misunderstood, or seen as garbage.
But that fear doesn’t stop me. Does it make me overthink? Yes. Does it sometimes make me a bit queasy? Yes… but it doesn’t, any longer, stop me.
[image error]What Scares me About Writing was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
