What are we here for?

Monday 24th of February 2020

All I want to do is sleep and I’ve been fighting that all day and still doing nothing, so maybe sleep would have been an actual accomplishment. It’s 11:00 pm and I’m still fighting it. Because, now it’s 11:00 pm and I’ve done sweet F.A all day and don’t reserve sleep. I’m not who I want to be. But maybe I am me. Which is depressing. Is my natural state one of lazy nothingness?

I have literally, and I mean, literally, spent the whole day watching Netflix and YouTube. I’m a waste of a life. What can I do to make up for that?

Let’s talk about the cheat codes of the universe.

Okay, Good talk.

I even watched a make-up tutorial today. A make-up tutorial!

Let’s talk about my theories of what caused today, and previous days like this.

Booze.

I had a glass and a half of prosecco last night. I’m not saying I had a hangover, just that I do usually wake up depressed the day after I’ve drank something alcoholic. Which is why I only had a glass and a half then stopped. But perhaps even a glass and a half is too much.

2. Sugar.

Bad days happen after sugar binges. These things should be obvious to me, and I should know better, but still, yesterday, all with the prosecco there were cookies… and a syrup sponge pudding.

3. Dairy.

I discovered, the hard way, that I should avoid dairy and eggs on my new medication. When I cut these things out, I noticed I felt better in my body and also I felt better mentally. If I eat something with dairy in it, the next day my anxiety goes through the roof. Yet, still, I allow myself cheat days, days where I won’t take my meds so I can go out and have a nice dinner or something. Which was yesterday. I should know better. Vegan options only, dude.

So, in conclusion, today was self-inflicted. I suck, I suck, I suck.

Will I feel better tomorrow?

What did I eat today?

ToastA SandwichMore toastVegan pulled pork with rice, but it was white rice. Not my fault though, I ran out of brown and white was all I could find.

Damn it. I guess we’ll see then.

Enough wallowing. What would I be doing if I was my ideal self?

Probably sleeping because I would have earned it.

Maybe I’m being hard on myself. But if I’m not hard on myself, who else is going to be? Which is a terrible thought. Maybe I should change it. Maybe it should be: If I’m not nice to myself, who else is going to be?

Maybe I should treat myself how I want others to treat me. Maybe I should live by example, show other how to treat me, show my value kind of thing. Am I making sense? I’m so tired.

Tomorrow I will try to write at least a sentence.

Tomorrow is pancake day and I’ll be expected to make pancakes because no one else in this house know how to make them, apparently. I know, I’m calling bullshit too.

I don’t have to eat them. I can just make the, and watch everyone else eat them. I could do that. I won’t do that.

This whole week is going to be me in the fetal position crying over everything, isn’t it?

And yes, I know there are vegan pancake recipes out there, but I don’t want a riot on my hands tomorrow. I want peace in our time. Give the pancake masses what they want. It’s just one day.