NEWS: Areas of Europe suffer under clouds of noxious fumes as baby fascists soil their nappies
Reports are coming in that areas of Europe are beset by clouds of noxious fumes as the continent’s baby fascists suddenly discover that being a fully-fledged, grown-up fascist does in fact involve the mass slaughter of innocent women and children. This discovery appears to have caused all the baby fascists to soil their nappies in shock.
From under the choking skies over Budapest, little Victor Orban cried: “It’s not fair! Vladimir told me all I had to do was lie and cheat enough to keep my opponents on the back foot, and I would be able to steal all of my country’s wealth and no one would ever be able to stop me! He never said anything about invading other countries and murdering women and children! I don’t even want to be a grown-up fascist now—wah!”
In Paris, the notorious spoilt brat Marine Le Pen complained: “Yes, we are like him, but we only want power and wealth without accountability. We have never really wanted to actually kill people… Well, perhaps only those who oppose us.”
In the UK, the twenty-first century’s Lord Haw-Haw, Nigel ‘The Traitor’ Farage, said: “Of course I’m not saying the Ukrainians deserve genocide, but… Of course I’m not saying Putin isn’t a murderous dictator, but… Of course I’m not saying refugees deserve to die, but it’s what Russia has been paying me quite a lot of money to imply, if you get my drift *wink*.”
However, at the Kremlin’s London office (10 Downing Street), the noxious fumes had less impact due to the ever-present stench from all the shit that pours out of the British government every day. A spokesperson announced: “Comrades, the ‘special military operation’ in Ukraine is going according to plan. No one has put more sanctions on Putin and his oligarchs than us. No one is providing more assistance to the brave Ukrainian defenders than us. The moon is made of cheese. Slavery is freedom. Russian money is always welcome.”
Meanwhile, the British Home Secretary, Pritti ‘Shit’ Patel, said: “Come on, any red-blooded woman is going to get nice and moist faced with a man who really does carry out his threat to invade and destroy a sovereign nation whose only mistake was to exist. Anyway, Moscow has paid the Conservative Party to stop Ukrainian refugees coming to the UK, and to stop humanitarian relief crossing the English Channel. And that’s exactly what we’re going to do.”
This evening, specialists at the Centre for Monitoring Atmospheric Conditions in Brussels have issued the following warning to people concerned about the poisoned clouds: “We advise all Europeans to stay inside and close their windows until the noxious fumes dissipate. While they wait, they should learn some fucking history and stop voting for brain-dead wannabe fucking murderers whose hero and paymaster is Putin.”
LATE NEWS: After growing concern for his whereabouts, British prime minister, Boris ‘The Bastard’ Johnson was finally located safe and sound, having been trapped between the legs of some the most expensive Russian prostitutes. His wife Carrie Antionette expressed her relief: “You know, poor Boris needs a break from fucking the British economy; although, I must admit, that nice Mr Putin has paid us an awful lot of money to isolate Britain and shred its international reputation. I certainly hope he’s not related to the nasty Mr Putin who’s doing all those beastly things in Ukraine—that would be just too wild!”
