A Portrait of Fatherhood: A Lie Someone Told You About Yourself by Peter Ho Davies
The word maternity immediately provides an image of a pregnant woman, a would-be mother, the female aspect of reproduction. But it takes two to tango, and in English author Peter Ho Davies new novel, the stress, worry and angst of welcoming a child into the world is seen specifically from the point of view of the father. And in this case, there is marriage, there is love and there is desire for progeny.
But even so, in a time period when the male gender often walks onto the stage with strong opinions about pregnancy, birth and everything a woman expriences, this is a welcoming look at the role of a father. He may have opinions, but this is HIS wife and the fertilized embryo also belongs to HIM—and thus the burden of decision-making moves away from this is how it should be, I’m a guy, I know better… to Ho Davies and his emotional journey when his wife is pregnant and the doctors are not sure that things are going as planned.
The title page of the book asks us to immediately approach this story with open minds. “In abortion the person who is massacred, physically and morally, is the woman. For any man with a conscience every abortion is a moral ordeal that leaves a mark, but… every male should bite his tongue three times before speaking about such things.” Italo Calvino, author of Italian Folktales.
So if this is the title page, we can guess where we might be headed. And when Ho Davies is asked to talk about this, his answer: I think it speaks to the possibility that there must be some space for men to be allies of a woman’s right to choose, and how do we speak into that space…Calvino speaks to my own anxieties…
CHANCE: THE FIRST SECTION OF THE NOVEL
There is so much to say about this beautiful book. Ho Davies never names his characters, tells us “He was a writer now, this father, but had studied physics once,” thus offering the reader words like mosaicism, meiosis, words that were offered to the father: “Calling one thing something else, something safer.” He begins to bargain with himself–words are everything, so he and his wife could say, “We had a miscarriage.” Then he tells us: “The medical term for miscarriage is spontaneous abortion.”
He also tells us: Cars with pro-life stickers were everywhere on the roads that election year. When during that time he caught his wife buying Lotto tickets, he writes: they laughed until they cried.
His wife gets pregnant again. She never had morning sickness before; now she throws up before every test…A boy this time…They put the ultrasound in an envelope in a drawer in a desk. They don’t discuss names…when a friend asks why she’s not drinking, his wife says, If I told you, I’d have to kill you.
The doctor wants to do AN ULTRASOUND of the baby’s BRAIN! They pace the halls, the wife in a wheelchair–and the doctors return, smiling: Oh, the baby is fine. It’s nothing. The test just precautionary.
READING ON: Section 2 TAILS Section 3 HEADS TWICE
Once you are on this journey with this family, you can’t stop. The writing is honest and relatable. There is hope and love, there is fear and worry. One teacher suggests “the boy” has autism. As with anyone who has ever had a child there is THE FIRST TIME: how he walks, when he starts school, Ho Davies teaching, his wife also working, their son the center of their universe. They are good people, they are great parents. And criticism whether self-imposed or from others is a lie.
When the boy is in school, the father finds time to volunteer at Planned Parenthood. Ho Davies writes: Later he will understand that he’s not been at the clinic to do good, or even to get material (for this book), so much as to find absolution.
FINAL THOUGHTS
I don’t think there are many books written by men, that reveal so much fear and angst, yet so much understanding and love, perils and joys that humanity experiences when they decide or they don’t decide, but find themselves to be: parents. Though he doesn’t name his characters (they are He, She, the father, the mother, the boy) we are with them through all their worries and trials. We are routing for the the boy as he starts school, makes mistakes, tries his best–as his parents put alway all of their fears and become fierce lovers of this son they have created.
PS And the title: “Shame is the lie someone told you about yourself,” according to writer and thinker, Anais Nin.
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