One day I'll be Xena

How the hell are you doing it, Tony Pierce? You still blog like it's 2003. And I'm jealous.



They're all gone. Mad Pony. Goobita. Sepi. Duke Kim. Some have had babies, some completely disappeared. But you, you're still here. Congratulations, you're the last man standing.



And I'm glad you are. But haven't you been lonely?



Today I went to watch the Smurfs movie. It was totally what I expected – a Chipmunks movie with little blue people instead of squirrels. And that makes me kinda sad because I have a strange attachment to the Smurfs. They deserve so much better. But really, what kind of movie can you write for the Smurfs?



They could have exploited Smurfette's potential sluttiness. But that wouldn't be too kid-friendly.



Two Halloweens ago, I promised myself I'd be Smurfette for the following Halloween. That didn't happen. There was no exploitation of sluttiness. I became a bee instead – a freezing bee in the West Village Halloween Parade. I wonder what I'd be this year.



A zombie-seeking plant. Super Mario. Xena. I've always wanted to be Xena.



Last week I was interviewing someone and as we were nearing the end of an almost two-hour conversation, he stopped and said, "What about you, Pam? Tell me about yourself." And it completely threw me off. Because that never happens. You usually get there, switch on your recorder, ask the questions, let them talk about themselves, switch off your recorder and leave.



It was so unusual that I ended up stammering. I'm 30, I've been doing this for 13 years.



But I should have talked about wanting to be Xena. Or how I'm freaked out because my beer limit has hit an all-time low of one bottle. Or that I finally watched The Bodyguard for the first time and kept wishing someone would just shoot Whitney Houston because her character was so goddamn annoying. Or that I can't fire Katy Perry from my Tiny Tower even if she wants to work in a tattoo parlor and I don't have one. Or how I just ordered a new Helmer even though I promised to stick to just one. Or how I always feel breathless when I'm inside book stores. And that I am currently obsessing over Rachel Cohn and David Levithan. Or that I made cheese pimiento like my grandmother makes it and it made me so happy. Or that I thought I would burst because Rachael Yamagata sent me a sweet message about my book. And that I should really finish the next one. Or that I am now sweating on the world's softest carpet. Or that I'm dyeing my hair purple again on Friday. Finally.