Lenten thoughts: The Rule of Life
Lent is coming and with it thoughts of renewing the spiritual life, if only from the various things that pop up in our feed. What I have to say applies to men and women, but especially to women… because I think we can safely say that we women are very susceptible to comparing ourselves to others and to motivational ideas that might be harmful, alas.
So I’m just going to throw out a few points that I hope are helpful as we vaguely begin to sense the eventual arrival of the upcoming penitential season.
A Rule of Life means the things you try to live by, daily, weekly, and in general, in order to grow in virtue — which simply means to have the life of Christ within, because He is good and virtue is goodness. On our own we can’t do it, and we certainly can’t do it if we never make a plan.
But it has to be our plan. One rule of life doesn’t look like another (unless you live in the convent, which I’m thinking you do not). Except for this: we must all follow the 10 Commandments, for the Lord Himself said, “If ye love Me, keep My Commandments.” It’s wise to have a copy of the Commandments at hand and to consult it periodically, especially before Confession. And somehow, we must quietly pray!
When someone online or in a book or what have you tells about their Rule of Life, that’s fine… but it does not mean it should be yours. You can ask a good priest or a trusted older friend if a good priest is not to be found. If it makes you have trouble breathing, for instance, to think about praying 30 minutes each day as is often recommended, consider praying for five — and not at a set time but instead, before a set time.
So, instead of saying “I’ll pray at 8:30,” which you won’t, because no sooner does mom say she’ll do something at a certain time than a child will start up some bodily process that captures her attention, and for good reason — say “I’ll pray for 5 minutes at some point before 10 am,” for example. By 9:30 you will realize it’s now or never, and it will happen. It’s better to pray in the silence of your heart for 5 minutes than to not pray for 30 minutes and feel guilty about it. The truth is that when you are ready and circumstances permit, you will lengthen the time without too much turmoil.
If the Rule of Life that someone else is following allows her only a handful of hours of sleep a day (and I recently saw this), I can assure you that this rule is not for you. Without knowing you at all, I can guarantee you that it’s not for you! If you attempt it, you will have a spiritual crisis and the Dark Night of the Soul will look like a tea party at the Ritz compared to what you will endure. Your children will appear to be the spawn of some force determined to steal your sanity and your husband will be at a loss as to how to restore it, because few people ever really zero in on, “You know what, you need more sleep” and yet, Dear Reader, that is the answer.
In fact, I would say that getting more sleep is a sacred duty and should be the cornerstone of the Rule of Life, and that includes taking a nap during rest time. In general, today’s woman is burning her candles at both ends and maybe setting the middle on fire too, and it shows.
One of the very best guides to sorting all this out is Introduction to the Devout Life by St. Francis de Sales — a book that that shows I’m not making things up (more than I can say for some of the ideas that are bombarding me on all sides as Lent approaches).
Religious life is what it is, and it is a very great sacrifice and discipline. Family life has its own challenges and St. Francis calls it “ridiculous” to expect someone engaged in the latter to meet the austerity of the former. It can lead to pride and general misery as well, to impose on oneself a Rule that is not suited to one’s state of life. Just a warning!
As to giving things up, we should definitely give up the usual things — don’t let anyone mock giving up chocolate, because it has the virtue of being a definite, knowable penance, whereas “becoming a better person” is not. But some areas where we can discipline ourselves to grow in virtue (eg patience, kindness, etc.) while accepting the impositions of life with children would be to take the job at hand one step further than our indulgence would suggest, or even finish it; waiting until we’ve cleaned up the kitchen to move on to another activity; looking up at a person entering the room and maybe even lovingly saying his name; not taking the phone to bed. Just some ideas! You will know the sort of thing you should focus on when you ask God about it.
I always say to go to the spiritual masters of old (not to Instagram influencers), and so I will leave you with the beautifully calm and simple advice of that great ascetic, St. John Henry Newman, on perfection — spoiler: it doesn’t involve becoming a Dynamic Catholic or anything of the sort!
It is the saying of holy men that, if we wish to be perfect, we have nothing more to do than to perform the ordinary duties of the day well. A short road to perfection-short, not because easy, but because pertinent and intelligible. There are no short ways to perfection, but there are sure ones.
I think this is an instruction which may be of great practical use to persons like ourselves. It is easy to have vague ideas what perfection is, which serve well enough to talk about, when we do not intend to aim at it; but as soon as a person really desires and sets about seeking it himself, he is dissatisfied with anything but what is tangible and clear, and constitutes some sort of direction towards the practice of it.
We must bear in mind what is meant by perfection. It does not mean any extraordinary service, anything out of the way, or especially heroic-not all have the opportunity of heroic acts, of sufferings-but it means what the word perfection ordinarily means. By perfect we mean that which has no flaw in it, that which is complete, that which is consistent, that which is sound-we mean the opposite to imperfect. As we know well what imperfection in religious service means, we know by the contrast what is meant by perfection.
He, then, is perfect who does the work of the day perfectly, and we need not go beyond this to seek for perfection. You need not go out of the round of the day.
I insist on this because I think it will simplify our views, and fix our exertions on a definite aim.
If you ask me what you are to do in order to be perfect, I say, first-
Do not lie in bed beyond the due time of rising;
give your first thoughts to God;
make a good visit to the Blessed Sacrament [this can be done mentally if it’s not possible on a given day to go physically, but it’s worth it to stop in for a visit even for a few minutes, even taking all the kids —LML];
say the Angelus devoutly;
eat and drink to God’s glory;
say the Rosary well;
be recollected; keep out bad thoughts;
make your evening meditation well;
examine yourself daily;
go to bed in good time, and you are already perfect.
bits & piecesGregory DiPippo shares a fascinating and moving little post about the reactions on Indian social media to Gregorian and Greek Orthodox chant. Priceless. (I thought it was remarkable that the elderly man began listening by anticipating with a sort of metrical conducting motion of his hands, and quickly changed to match his gestures to the very different, almost architectural rhythm of the chant.) “It was a good prayer.” “There is no music and drum in this prayer [makes a metrical motion with his hand]. And I like this kind of prayer. Because according to me, prayer should be calm.” (For the second chant they are all talking at once and I don’t know how they can be listening! That gave me a chuckle.)Candles are important and carry within them a deep meaning and symbolism, and we shouldn’t banish them with something more “up-to-date” or “safe” in the liturgical or even devotional setting. Here’s a meditation on the subject.A friend once had us over for dinner and made a delicious and luxurious “white” lasagna for which she gave me the recipe later, copied from her mother. I was sharing it with another friend who is thinking of putting more liver into her diet, and found it online — as I suspected from the typed version, it’s a vintage recipe, from the 60s! I can attest to its deliciousness! Have you ever made this Lasagne Pasticciate? When I make it, I gently fold ricotta into the Besciamella because I feel that it adds body to the final dish, keeping the layers a bit separated and more lofty. But my question would be this: could one use another liver, like beef? Have you tried that? Have you made whipped cream in a mason jar? Stop listening to hymns sung the pop-worship way. from the archivesLast year I bought a second-hand seed bench and this year I’m going to put it in the pantry, I hope! Singing sacred music with children.I think I’m going to make this honey cake for tomorrow. liturgical livingfollow us everywhere!My book, The Summa Domestica: Order and Wonder in Family Life is available now from Sophia Press! And it’s 30% off (along with everything on the site) until Feb. 9!) All the thoughts from this blog collected into three volumes, beautifully presented with illustrations from Deirdre, an index in each volume, and ribbons!
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