Left Off the List

Rejected. That's how we feel when the invitations go out, but one doesn't arrive in our mailbox. As we near the end of summer wedding season, maybe you know what I'm talking about. You assumed you'd be invited. In fact, you arranged your schedule in advance to be able to attend. Then, five weeks before the wedding, you realize your invitation hasn't come. "Maybe their running behind," you tell yourself, knowing the insanity that ensues in the weeks leading up to the big day. Four weeks before the wedding, you make a few snarky remarks about the postal service. Three weeks before, you can no longer deny the reality--you just weren't invited. Some of us at that point might get angry. Most of us just feel hurt. We wonder whether we did something to offend the bride or groom. Once we have convinced ourselves that is not the case, we are further saddened by the thought that we just didn't matter enough to be included. All this sorrow is unnecessary, however, if we would just alter our perspective a bit.

First, think about it from the bride's perspective. I saw this firsthand in recent weeks, when a colleague was preparing for her wedding. She had a limited budget and, therefore, a limited guest list. I watched the bride-to-be labor over whom to include, knowing, as she did, that there would inevitably be hurt feelings. She decided the best approach was all-or-nothing: all the cousins, or none; all the sorority sisters, or none; all the nieces and nephews, or none. If neither cousin Sally nor cousin Sue was invited, they wouldn't be hurt, she reasoned. But that's not how it worked out. Cousin Sue rang the bride a week before the wedding and asked if she could come, and, oh, by the way, could she bring her new boyfriend? And cousin Sally called and said she assumed that being left off the list was an oversight, so she planned on being there--with her six kids. The poor bride was sent into a tailspin. After all, she loves her cousins. So she was left with a dilemma: more hurt feelings or going into debt.

Second, think about it from a broader perspective: It's not about you. Odds are good that you were not excluded because you offended, because you are insignficant to the host and hostess, or because you have an obnoxious personality that brings a good party to a crashing halt. It's pretty safe to say that you were left off the list for reasons that have nothing to do with you at all.

Third, think about it from a love perspective. How can we respond in a godly way to being left out, whether to a wedding or to something else? We can rejoice with God's good gift of marriage to the bride and groom. We can do all we can not to grieve the bride by letting on that we are hurt, or worse--by calling and asking why we weren't invited. We can also realize afresh that being willing to love means opening ourselves to the vulnerability of being hurt. It goes with the territory.

But how do we do this? We begin by asking God to change us. We can ask him to lift our focus outward and upward. We can also pour out our sorrow and feelings of rejection to him, and he will comfort us. We may never really know why we weren't invited, and we may have to cling to God for a season with those lingering feelings of rejection. If so, we can see it as an opportunity to know a little bit of what our Savior experienced. He offered more love than we ever could, yet he received primarily rejection. He knows what rejection feels like. "We do not have a High Priest who cannot sympathize with our weaknesses, but was in all points tempted as we are, yet without sin" (Heb. 4:15).