Another day, another story…
Roughly around ten years ago, I pushed the boat out with great pomp and ceremony to self-publish my first novel, Children of Earth.
Riding high on the adrenaline rush and the emotional wave of actually seeing my name on a book cover, I followed up with a much shorter tale, Hijacked.
Now, there’s no worse critic of a piece of writing than the author of that work but I soon came to believe that both of those ‘tales’ were very lacking in form and structure.
The catalyst of my fear…I read through Leviathan Wakes by James S.A.Corey.
The plethora of scenes that played out in the mind’s eye with such an oozing sense of atmosphere made my own efforts pale in comparison. In a similar vein, works from the greats such as Clarke, Heinlein, Asimov and Scalzi sported scenes and dialogue which rose up from the page to craft pictures that lingered even after the story finished and the books were closed.
It really, really bothered me.
I picked up my own printed novel and began to read through it. Just to compare.
My worst fears seemed to crawl off each page to engage in some weird, twisted dance of shame in my mind.
Imagine, if you will, the great painter John Constable and his fine works:
The White Horse by John Constable (Photo by Geoffrey Clements/Corbis/VCG via Getty Images)Now, imagine the same scene but reproduced by a 5-year old let loose with crayons and little supervision:
Source: Pixabay https://pixabay.com/users/marimari1101-4367124/This is how I viewed my work when compared to that of those fine authors.
In a fit of despair, I unpublished both Children of Earth and Hijacked in early 2018 with a view to save what little reputation I had left. I couldn’t even bear to look at the Amazon stats which showed hundreds of downloads during a free promotional period.
Family & friends all knew about ‘the book’ and that I was ‘an author’.
My desperate attempts to re-draft the work and make it seem simple, yet coherent, all fell away as I fought the inadequacy of my understanding as to how stories actually work.
Who was I kidding? I couldn’t write like those authors.
Their works are masterful and enthralling while mine was, to be polite, a meandering mess.
At this point, I would like to thank Chris Fox, the prolific author of the Void Wraith saga, Magitech Chronicles and a source of wisdom & knowledge for aspiring authors of many levels.
His advice?
I think he explains it best in one of his YouTube channel videos:
Give yourself permission to suck!The authors I mentioned above didn’t just pop into existence as fully formed writers at the height of their powers. They had to work at their craft to earn the experience which then allowed them to deliver works such as 2001: A Space Odyssey, Starship Troopers, Foundation, The Expanse: Leviathan Wakes, Old Man’s War.
In fact, I doubt their earliest work was as polished as their later, more reputed novels when they’d grown into their voice and stride as a writer. However, their example is one to aspire to.
The outcome of all this…?Read, write and then read some more.
This is what I’m now focused on doing as part of my ‘rehabilitation’.
It’s why you will see the ‘Quick Reads’ portion of my site continue to grow as I add more 100-Word challenges. These challenges are helping me overcome the reluctance to actually bring something to completion and publish my work for others to see.
I’m also working on Children of Earth and Hijacked ‘behind the scenes’ by going back to their basic roots and doing outlines for each which I can then drop into and target individual chapters.
In conclusion…I will not deny that confidence in my own writing is still lacking, but I’ve heard the same from such well-known names as Dan Brown and James Patterson. Even Steven King speaks of it when recounting his early years in his book ‘On Writing‘.
The fact that such reputed published names feel the same sense of ‘fraud’ gives some respite to my fears. They all speak of the ’empty page’ or ‘blinking cursor’ and tips to overcome it, which I heartily take on board and will try to adapt into my own working practice going forward.
I’m not claiming my work will be any good, but by trial and error I’m going to continue to practise and learn and (hopefully) improve over time with each piece I finish.
Above all, I’m going to give my work permission to suck!
– Paul J. Fleming 2022
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