The Definitive Guide to How to Live

By me.

There are four stages of life. Not three, not five. Four.

The first is childhood. When you are a child, you should run whenever you can. You’ll tell yourself that you can do plenty of running when you grow up, that you will NEVER get tired of running – but there will come a time when you just don’t feel like it. So run NOW!

The second is youth. When you are young, have lots of sex, parties and late nights. Seek out bizarre and challenging experiences. I tried postponing this to my early 40s; it didn’t fly. Be warned.

The third is middle age. When you are middle-aged, hurry. Dance, sing, learn languages, climb large hills, frolic in the breakers. Soon you won’t be physically capable of any of this so hurry, offer ends SOON!

The final stage is, of course, decrepitude. People moan about old age but there’s a lot to be said for it. Learn to enjoy opera (who knows, you may run into your next hot 92 year old flame there, that’s the average audience age). Watch all the things on Netflix you missed when you were toiling up hills. Read your backlist. Insist on conducting all business from your armchair. Buy one of those toilets that gives your butt the full spa treatment. Sleep a lot, perchance to dream…

Also – and I have only recently discovered this – award yourself ‘no cook’ days. On these days you can eat crackers, figs, cashew nuts, yogurt and vegemite on toast (and anything else you like as long as it’s in the cupboard/fridge). This ‘fasting’ regime (as I like to call it) is obviously wonderful for your health, weight and creative imagination.