Facing the Monster of Self-Doubt

It takes many different forms, but every writer faces the monster of self-doubt at some point. Today, writer Ellie Joy shares her encounter with the dreaded beast, and shares some encouragement for facing and moving past that doubt:

“Me? A writer? I’m not experienced enough, old enough, creative enough.”

I don’t know about you, but I’ve thought these same lines too many times. The end of my sentence differs, but the result of the words are still the same. Have you ever heard the saying that you are your own worst enemy? It’s so true.

As an aspiring author, I want to write something worth remembering. Ever since that fateful day when I sat down to write my first story, I knew this was my dream. Never mind that I wasn’t even eight. For that year, I was convinced I practically was an author.

But as I got older, things began to change. My stories no longer seemed impressive to me, and uncertainty began to cloud the dreams of what I aimed my future toward. A wisp of doubt took hold at the back of my mind.

Okay, I’ll share a little more backstory and get more personal. The biggest doubts didn’t just appear overnight.

It was the year 2020, already a year of change (whether we asked for it or not!) and I had decided to undertake my biggest challenge yet—NaNoWriMo. Starting in November, I poured my heart onto the pages and gradually saw the characters, which once only existed in my imagination, come to life on the pages.

If I had succeeded in my goal, this story would be pointless, but I didn’t come close to succeeding. I celebrated my accomplishments but soon thoughts started nagging me. The monster of self-doubt began to prowl. I had begun to realize just how far away I was from the goal and I didn’t like it. At all.

Fast forward a year: I’d written a lot, but just when November rolled around, I quit the novel I’d been working on. Perhaps it was the failed novel, or perhaps it was just hormones, but suddenly the monster that had become more apparent over the year growled lies that spread like a hot ember in a dry forest. Fast. Overpowering.

Until the monster roared, I had been looking forward to trying NaNoWriMo again. But then? I wasn’t sure.

After lots of encouragement from my personal cheerleaders, I reluctantly started the challenge with a hastily planned novel.

At first, just getting to start on a new story was exhilarating, and was to me what coffee is to a lot of people—energy giving. For about a week, the monster was silenced, locked in a cage.

The the middle of the month came and the early mornings and hurried writing started to seem like chores. What had I been thinking, signing myself up for these tiresome days? Suddenly, the goal seemed too far away, my mind too tired, and my fingers not fast enough. Quitting seemed the best option.

“I just can’t do it,” I remember telling my mom after an especially bad writing session. The words in my head were different from the ones that came out of my mouth, though. I’m just not enough. Suddenly, my worth came from my word count that had started to go downhill.

“You should fight against selling yourself short as a writer.“

Somehow, I persevered. The word counts piled up and on the last day, I typed my 50,000th word. I cannot express my shock after tallying up the words. I was beyond surprised and so happy. The biggest grin was stuck on my face the rest of the week.

But I’m still human. I still struggle through things, so even though it pains me to admit it…. Conquering that challenge may have shut the monster’s jaws but they soon became unhinged again.

Ironic as it is, as I’m sitting here, staring at this glowing screen, I’m dissing myself. Thoughts keep repeating in my head like the chorus to a bad song: You’re not qualified to write this! Quit before you embarrass yourself.

Which is completely ironic because the topic of this whole post, simply put, is about why you should fight against selling yourself short as a writer.

Isn’t it so hard though? You get in that mindset and it’s hard to take yourself out of it. I personally know how depressing it can be. When I fail at something, I call myself a failure. When I’m really bad at something, suddenly it defines me. Am I the only one? Nope!

Although I can’t tell you exactly how to rid yourself of the monster—I’m still learning myself—I beg you to try to get rid of it. It is worth the effort!

I’ve already missed out on too much because I let the lies define me. NaNoWriMo, my greatest accomplishment? Never would have happened if I had admitted defeat (and if my people hadn’t encouraged me as much as they did). So I implore you, try. Don’t listen to the lies that the monster feeds you about your value—they’re just slippery words. So what if your book has been turned down by publisher after publisher? So what if you’re old enough to get the senior discount at the coffee shop and you still haven’t published? Don’t believe the lies!!!!

You got this. If writing is something you love to do, don’t put it down just because you think that it isn’t good enough! If you get nothing else from this post, please get this; your words matter. You matter. Shut up that monster…

And step into a life with more self-love, because you are worth it.

Ellie Joy is an aspiring author who asks for notebooks as presents and has pencil stains on her pillow from late night story inspirations. As a self-proclaimed nerd, she loves devouring book series and hanging out with friends. After her first NaNoWriMo win, she has begun to fully embrace her writing and continues working on what has been her goal since she started: to publish her first novel.

Top photo by Vlad Zaytsev on Unsplash.