Mudder F-er (Or That Time I Ran A 5K Tough Mudder While Shockingly Unprepared)

Questionable advertising on that faux tattoo there

I am not a runner. I’ve tried to be, from time to time: When I briefly lived in Malibu back in my early twenties, I decided to try running on the beach in the mornings because it seemed like the kind of thing that one does when one lives in Malibu, only to have my knobby little offset kneecaps swell to the size of tennis balls. More recently, I adopted a golden retriever puppy under the misguided belief that ownership of said puppy would automa...