How do I keep my man from cheating?
Hello!
I have a treat for you. Lindsay the Sexy Diva is giving out advice on my blog today. If you don’t know who she is, she is a podcaster, author, radio host, and the heroine of my novel Wild Thoughts (Brooks Family #4). Her road to happily ever after was a bit bumpy after she and Malik Brooks pretended to be engaged. He’s an introvert, she’s an extrovert. He was celibate, she was… not. Of course they end up falling for each other!
Lindsay will stop by my blog once a month to share dating, relationship, and sex advice. She likes to tell it like it is, so be prepared for frank but helpful counsel. The following excerpt is from her podcast. Check out her response below.
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Lindsay brought her mouth close to the microphone.“Hey girlfriends, I received this email late last night, and it’s a tough one.
Dear Lindsay, eighteen months ago I ended a relationship that sapped me of my self-esteem. My ex was a serial cheater, and after constantly forgiving him, I made the hard decision to walk away. Three months ago I met a man who has been great, so far. He’s attentive, funny, and I believe he really cares about me. The problem is, I’m worried he’s going to cheat like my ex. I can’t go through the same pain I did before and really want this relationship to work. What can I do to make sure my new man doesn’t cheat? Signed, Anxious in Sacramento.
Many of us have been cheated on, including me, and we all know it’s very painful. Cheating can cause depression, low self-esteem, shame, and even cause us to question what we could have done differently—wrongly placing the blame on ourselves instead of the cheater!
Anxious in Sacramento, you seem to be placing some blame on yourself, and I need to set you straight.
There is nothing you can do to keep a man from cheating if that’s what he wants to do. Let me say that again–there is nothing you can do. You can’t spend 24 hours a day with him, and even if you did, I promise you a determined cheater will find a 25th hour to slip away and cheat. Can I get an Amen?
It’s not your job to keep him from cheating. That implies you bear some responsibility for any infidelity, and you do not. Your new man has free will, just like your ex, and I suspect you did all kinds of things to try to keep your ex in line too, didn’t you? You said he was a serial cheater, so after the first time you probably changed your clothes or your hair to appear more attractive. Maybe you stopped “nagging.” Then he cheated again, so you made more changes. But he cheated again.
What does that tell you? Like I said, there is nothing you can do to keep a man from cheating on you. That’s not your burden to bear! Once you accept you can’t control your man’s behavior, and you’re not responsible for his behavior in any way, the anxiety you feel will start to dissipate. But don’t be afraid to talk to someone about your pain and insecurity—a close friend, a counselor, or a therapist—could help you sort out your feelings.
Regarding your new man, treat him like an individual, and not like he’s Ex-Boyfriend 2.0. Spend time enjoying the freshness of this relationship. Focus on what you like about him, what attracted you to him, and why you gave him your number in the first place.
Prioritize the joy in your relationship. Plan a day where you visit a part of the city neither of you have visited before, and explore it together. Volunteer together or take a class and learn something new, like a new language, how to roller skate, or simply bake a cake from scratch. New relationships can be exciting and fun, and you’ll miss out on the fun if your mind is stuck in that previous relationship.
Finally, don’t allow your ex to rob anymore joy from your life. He’s caused you enough pain. I know it’s not easy to let go of the past, but you can do it, and baby, you deserve to be happy.
Until next time, girlfriends. This is Lindsay the Sexy Diva, reminding you that a healthy relationship begins with you. Be the best you can be, in and out of the bedroom. Goodnight.”
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What do you think about Lindsay’s advice? What else would you add?
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