Turn out the lights, the party's over…

So…this is going to be a familiar tune to regular readers, so if you want to skip this, feel free. Last night, I wrote to the folks at NBP to ask when my name would be added to the list of authors on the blog. This morning, I was informed that I'm not really an NBP author, and therefore won't be listed on the blog. This also means the blog won't be listing my releases.

I'm not complaining about this, but it does upset me how my author page has books by NBP authors in every flavor of porno kink possible, and yet, I'm not good enough to be listed among these people on the blog. I also want to note that this is why I'm no longer with Smashwords, because while Mark Coker is willing to stand up for the authors of rape, incest, and bestiality porn, he still felt he had to ban three of my titles for being "illegal". I'm not good enough to be a Smashwords author, and now, I see I'm not good enough to be an NBP author either. Which is par for the course at this point. I was never good enough to get attention from my parents, teachers, or any of my friends and family either. So why I should expect anything different from complete strangers, I dunno.

Needless to say, I'm in a deep depression, and not even a trip to Cartoomics has done much to change this. I faked happiness while wandering the stalls, but as soon as I left, I started thinking again about this. I wasn't good enough for Belfire to carry my only book with them, and even though I continued to promote their titles and authors, when The New Bedlam Project anthology was released, my stories were dropped from the collection there too.

I'd hoped to at least use my blog to talk about important issues to me, but online, the discussions most important to the moral majority focus on whether women are really human beings or just cattle to be owned by men. I wanted to talk about racism, and I was lectured for not caring about the plight of white people. I wanted to talk about child abuse, and I was labeled a pedophile. I've been accused of promoting deviant values, and that's pretty much the opposite of what I'd intended. I've had friends abandon me despite my continued support of their efforts, both financial and personal. Everything I did, it didn't mean a thing, and just about everyone cut me loose without a second thought. I was never a real friend, no matter what may have been said between us before. And now that the winds have changed direction, all those fair-weather friendships have drifted on to other places.

It's been almost four months since I was able to sit down and write with any consistent quality, and lately, everything I write, I hate. Not because it's bad, but because I know I can't sell it.

No one can really say this is the results of my last series, because my releases were being ignored long before I wrote Peter's book. Every release has been a failure, and I'm tired of asking people to give me a chance, only to end up with the feeling that I'm shouting into a void.

Those of you who bought books and gave me a chance may be wondering "What else did you want from us?" Nothing. You gave me a chance, and some of you made efforts at promoting me. I can't ask for more than that, and I appreciate your support. But the fact is, nothing I wrote made a fandom. After striking out this often, I've got no enthusiasm left to promote my work, or to create new material. So by my reckoning, it's time to quit.

I've said this before, and I'll repeat it; I do plan to one day finish Peter's series, and I'll try to finish All Maid Up. But right now, I'm giving up on all my writing, and I'm just walking away. I can't say how long it will be before the muse and I can work together on finishing these two project. I just know that right now, I have no desire to write, or to promote my titles.

I'm going to delete the Immature Adults blog. Despite early enthusiasm from a few authors, no one offered any guest posts, nor has there been any further submissions, aside from a couple of titles about cutters and rapists. Which is so, so not what I was talking about when I came up with the idea.

I'm going to delete The Marriage of Jason and Julie blog, and unless traffic picks up on the All Maid Up blog, I'm going to erase it and just move the archives over to my main blog. Lastly, I'm going to reduce my time on Twitter. It really doesn't matter if I spend all day cracking jokes or ranting about whatever, because nobody is paying attention to me. That was made painfully clear this week when followers were asking me why I was upset with Smashwords. They never saw my days-long rants, and don't really bother going to my profile to catch up.

I guess the scope of my blogging will be limited now mostly to reviews of other peoples' stuff, be it books, video games, or music. Despite my failures at gaining support for my own art, I would rather not give up on promoting other artists. It's not their fault that I'm not good enough to gain an audience, or that I'm not worthy of being listed with other authors. It's nobody's fault but my own for not being good enough, and I accept that.

I guess I will continue to put up titles on NBP, so then at least I can have another vendor to offer my titles through besides Amazon. In the future, I may even try to find other vendors to carry some of my titles. But aside from a few listings, I don't plan to promote anything. I'm just rehashing pitches that didn't work before, and like I said, I've lost the ability to fake enthusiasm for my work.

So, the show is over. Thanks to those of you who gave me a shot, and to the rest, well, I tried to reach you, and I failed. At this point I feel it's time to cut my losses and do something that doesn't crush my soul on a daily basis.