Is it So Bad to Want to Be in Submission to My Husband?

Most of us agree that you shouldn’t have to submit to an abusive husband. But what if you’re married to a good husband? 

I’ve had a conversation in real life with a woman who believes in hierarchy in marriage, where the woman submits her will to her husband and follows his decisions. She agrees that you shouldn’t submit to an abusive man, but what if your husband is a good guy? What is wrong with submission if it’s working for you, if it’s led to a great marriage, if you’re enjoying your life? 

When there’s no abuse, living this kind of life can actually be quite lovely. Some women really enjoy orienting their lives over serving others, and enjoy not having the responsibility for big decisions. That’s not a criticism–that’s just different personalities! And if you are such a woman, you may feel attacked when I (and others) say that this isn’t the model that Jesus calls us to.

I want to try to deal with this question today, because I know that I often present very bleak pictures of these sorts of hierarchical marriages. But what if you have such a marriage and it’s not bleak? Shouldn’t you get to submit if you want to? 

It’s a great question, and let me try to answer it. 

Submission is good–We should all be submitting to each other. 

First, let me start with the basics. We’re called to submit to one another (Ephesians 5:21). Submission is a wonderful thing! But we can mean different things from the word. Because we’re all to submit to one another, the word doesn’t have hierarchy connotations, as Jesus explains more fully in Matthew 20:25-28.

The point of the Christian life is about serving. It’s about a spirit of humility, as we find in Philippians 2:1-11, where we have the mind of Christ and we consider the interests of others higher than our own. We seek to serve.

This type of submission is not about submitting to someone else’s will, as much as it is submitting to someone else’s welfare. We orient our lives to helping others in humility. 

You may also enjoy:My submission seriesPastors: Start preaching what you’re practising (deciding things together)The Slippery Slope of Hierarchy Theology (by Keith) No matter what, though, we are called to follow Jesus first.

One of my favourite illustrations of this is from C.S. Lewis’ Narnia series, from the book Prince Caspian. In the night, little Lucy sees Aslan the Lion (the Christ figure) walking in the distance. She senses him calling her to follow him.

She wakes up her siblings and tells them, but they won’t listen to her. They tell her she’s wrong. She imagined it. It’s silly to follow him; it makes no sense right now.

And so she cries, and feels despondent, but she doesn’t go anywhere.

Later on in the story she meets up with Aslan, and he asks her why she didn’t follow on her own, even if the others (who were all older and technically “in authority” over her) said no. Here’s the exchange:

I think we would all agree that you should listen to Jesus no matter what.

But here’s my bigger concern:

If you assume that your husband will be the one to hear from God, then you may stop listening and looking for Jesus to call.

If it is not your role to hear God’s will for your family’s life, then you may stop wrestling to find it or seeking it. If the default is that you will follow your husband, and listen to what he says on big decisions, then you can stop expecting to hear from God on these things. You don’t have to do the hard work of figuring out the best course of action, because that’s for your husband to do.

And indeed, if you start listening, that may cause disharmony. What if you hear something that your husband doesn’t? But if the assumption is that you follow your husband, then there’s a chance that you can avoid disharmony, and can always be in unity.

This is a delicate thing to talk about, and I’m certainly not trying to insinuate that those who follow their husbands don’t pray or that they ignore God. But I do wonder if that relationship with God may tend to revolve around personal piety, Scripture knowledge, and worship, rather than asking big questions about one’s role in the kingdom of God or listening to what God may have you do.

Now, we need personal piety and worship and we certainly need Scriptural knowledge! These things are actually in short supply. But I do worry that we may miss the bigger picture, which is orienting our lives around what God has planned for us to do, from the beginning of the age (Ephesians 2:10).

Yes, when you’re married to a good person that you love and trust, simply following him can lead to domestic bliss.But what if there’s a bigger story to be told with your life?

I don’t mean that you have a career or that you get a big job or start a big missions organization or something. God rejoices in small things, and God asks different things of us.

But we don’t serve Jesus by serving and following our husbands. We serve Jesus by serving Jesus–by seeking Jesus’ will first and foremost and being part of what He is doing, whatever that may look like.

It’s like the parables Jesus told about the kingdom of God:

“The kingdom of heaven is like treasure hidden in a field. When a man found it, he hid it again, and then in his joy went and sold all he had and bought that field.

“Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant looking for fine pearls. When he found one of great value, he went away and sold everything he had and bought it.

Matthew 13:44-46

The real question, you see, is not whether what you’re doing leads to a good marriage. It’s how you measure success in the first place. What is the aim?

Or it’s like what Paul wrote in Philippians 3. He lists all his credentials, about how he came from a great family, and how he had the life that everyone thought was perfect. But he sets them straight:

But whatever were gains to me I now consider loss for the sake of Christ.  What is more, I consider everything a loss because of the surpassing worth of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them garbage, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ—the righteousness that comes from God on the basis of faith. I want to know Christ—yes, to know the power of his resurrection and participation in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death,  and so, somehow, attaining to the resurrection from the dead.

Philippians 3:7-11

The point of our lives is knowing Christ. He is the center.And we do not know Christ by following our husband’s will; we know Christ by following Christ wholeheartedly.

It’s amazing how one of the most frequent things Jesus says in the gospels is “Follow me.” I’ve been watching The Chosen lately, and that phrase is repeated over and over again–“follow me.” 

We follow Christ, and we know Christ by orienting our lives around Christ.

Yes, that will mean serving those around us, including our husbands. That will mean rich and rewarding relationships on earth. That will mean taking care of our children and investing in them. But we do it all as our lives revolve with Christ as the center–not with our husbands at the center.

We remember that we are just as capable of hearing from God as our husbands, and we endeavour to listen and to seek out God’s will for our family, so that we can truly be that suitable helper for our husbands. We can be strong in the Lord when our husband is weak, just as he can be strong when we are weak. We are a team.

We are two people, running towards Christ together, side by side, holding hands, with Christ as the focus.

It is very possible to create a wonderful life for the two of you where you follow a good-willed man where he wants to go, and where you just decide not to challenge this but to embrace this. And you may have a satisfying marriage, and lovely children, and a satisfying life. But this life does not revolve around pursuing Jesus but instead around following someone else.

It is a husband-centered life, rather than a Jesus-centered life.

Let me end with my favourite verses, that I have often considered my life verses:

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. Consider him who endured such opposition from sinners, so that you will not grow weary and lose heart.

Hebrews 12:1-3

The big things to notice from this passage:We throw off BOTH the things that hinder AND the sin. We can have things holding us back from Jesus that aren’t necessarily sin–like orienting your life around another human being.As we live life, Jesus alone is the focus and the aim.As we consider Jesus and keep him as the focus, we gain strength for the unique race that he has put in front of each of us.It is a beautiful thing to want to serve  your husband, and to pursue harmony in marriage.

It absolutely is. And if you have two people of goodwill and of the right personalities (where he is more decisive and she loves serving), this can work well. This can lead to domestic bliss.

But that is not the point of our lives. Our lives are to orient around Jesus, for each and every one of us, always. We are to be part of the bigger picture of what God is doing. We are to serve Him and listen to Him.

And in so doing, we can achieve domestic bliss in a whole other way. This doesn’t replace the domestic bliss you may want; it gives it a richer purpose.

Dear sisters, keep Jesus as the focus.

Listen to Him, follow Him, keep Jesus as the main thing. This is what you were created for.

 

What do you think? Let’s talk in the comments!

Sheila Wray Gregoire

Founder of To Love, Honor and Vacuum

Sheila is determined to help Christians find BIBLICAL, HEALTHY, EVIDENCE-BASED help for their marriage. And in doing so, she's turning the evangelical world on its head, challenging many of the toxic teachings, especially in her newest book The Great Sex Rescue. She’s an award-winning author of 8 books and a sought-after speaker. With her humorous, no-nonsense approach, Sheila works with her husband Keith and daughter Rebecca to create podcasts and courses to help couples find true intimacy. Plus she knits. All the time. ENTJ, straight 8 FacebookTwitter Related Posts Movie Reviews for Redeeming Love: What You Need to Know

Jan 24, 2022 | 78 Comments

Everyday for the last month I've received multiple social media messages asking me to write a...

What Does Treating Women with Respect Look Like?

Jan 21, 2022 | 34 Comments

Can we stop objectifying women and treat us like whole people, made in the image of God? We've...

The Podcast Where Emerson Eggerichs Ignores Marital Rape

Jan 20, 2022 | 36 Comments

I'm all fired up about the fact that people still consider Emerson Eggerichs an authority on...

Why Does Emerson Eggerichs Consider a Woman Crying in the Shower Before Sex “A Goldmine”?

Jan 19, 2022 | 99 Comments

It's Time to Revisit Love & Respect! It's three years ago this week that we launched our first...

Does a “Christian” Marriage Need to Suffer to Grow?

Jan 18, 2022 | 25 Comments

Have you ever thought about how much Jesus must have laughed? And should that make a difference...

Christian Marriage Advice Is More than Just 5 Passages

Jan 17, 2022 | 20 Comments

Ever notice how all Scripture readings at weddings seem to sound the same--like the Bible has a...

PODCAST: It’s Time to Jump Out of the Boiling Water

Jan 27, 2022 | 2 Comments

At what point do we realize that something is terribly off with the way the evangelical church...

Keith’s Manifesto: Guys, It’s Time to Jump Out of the Boiling Water

Jan 26, 2022 | 43 Comments

Our series this month is "putting Christ back in Christian marriage advice."  When I told Keith...

The post Is it So Bad to Want to Be in Submission to My Husband? appeared first on To Love, Honor and Vacuum.