If Robocop was a bad 80s sit-com
I am easily amused, so earlier today, when my brain said, "You know what would be funny? If there was a Robocop sit-com, where he was always screwing up. Every time he did something, the other officers would put their hands on their hips, cock their heads to one side, and do this sing-songy "Robocop!" catchphrase. Then he'd just shoot everyone."
I mentioned this to Twitter. A few people quickly replied with funny ideas of their own... then I got excited and made a thing:
INT POLICE HEADQUARTERS -- DAY.
Robocop comes toward camera, doing that weird marching walk thing. He stops in front of a vending machine, and precisely turns to face it.
FLASH TO:
ROBOCOP POV
Through Robocop's HUD, we see the nutritional information of the various items in the machine as he scans them. A can of soda has a mouse in it, a chocolate bar has traces of cocaine, a bag of chips is actually a bag of fingernails. All that skips by so fast, though, the audience doesn't really notice it consciously. A crosshairs appears on the HUD and selects a bag of OIL-FLAVORED MICROCHIPS. They're actual chips, with a cartoony, smiling Robocop drawing on the front. He's giving a thumbs.
BACK TO SCENE.
Robocop puts a crumpled dollar into the machine, which spits it out. He does this three or four times.
ROBOCOP
Dead or alive, those chips are coming with me.
(Laugh track)
ROBOCOP
Accept my money.
You have ten seconds to comply.
He tries to put the money into the machine. The machine spits it back out.
ROBOCOP
I have ordered you to accept my money.
You have seven seconds to comply.
He tries to put the money into the machine. The machine spits it back out. It falls to the floor.
(Laugh track)
ROBOCOP
You have attempted to assault
a police officer with his own money.
You are under arrest.
An older, grizzled SERGEANT comes out of his office down the hall.
SERGEANT
Robocop, what the hell are you doing?
ROBOCOP
Making an arrest, sir.
The Sergeant rolls his eyes and shakes his head.
SERGEANT
Would you mind tellin' me how you're going
to arrest a vending machine?
(Laugh track)
ROBOCOP
By. The. Book.
(Laugh track)
SERGEANT
Robocop, you crazy. Let me help you.
The Sergeant picks up the dollar bill off the floor. ROBOCOP pulls his gun in a flash! He points it at the sergeant!
ROBOCOP
You are tampering with evidence.
You are under arrest.
SERGEANT
You can't arrest me, Robocop! I'm your boss!
ROBOCOP
You. Are. Under. Arrest.
SERGEANT
Robocop, I ain't got time for this. I retire in two days!
(Laugh Track)
ROBOCOP
Arrest. Arrest.
Arrrrrest. Arrrrrreeessst.
SERGEANT
(sighs)
Aw, dammit. You're stuck in a loop. I'd better reset you.
The Sergeant makes a move toward Robocop.
(Audience: Ooohhhhhh!)
The Sergeant puts his hand on Robocop's shoulder. Robocop snaps out of it.
ROBOCOP
Assault on an officer.
Use of deadly force is authorized.
Robocop shoots about a thousand bullets into the Sergeant, blowing him across the hallway where hits the wall and slides to the floor, leaving streaks of blood behind.
SERGEANT
(gasping, dying, yet somehow still alive)
Dammit… Robocop… I had…
two days… until… retirement.
The Sergeant dies.
ROBOCOP
Thank you for your cooperation.
I am not arresting you any more.
(Laugh track, cheers.)
Dozens of officers rush into hallway, stopping short of the grisly scene. They look at Robocop, incredulous. Robocop turns back to the vending machine.
ROBOCOP
Your move, dirtbag.
Suddenly, the bag of chips drops from the vending machine for some reason, startling Robocop. He whirls toward it and destroys it in a hail of epic gunfire.
POLICE OFFICERS
(sing song, in unison)
Robocop!
Robocop turns to the camera and innocently shrugs.
FREEZE FRAME as the synth-tastic theme music plays.
(Audience cheers)
