On finding yourself.

Miracle Maddie

Maddie’s been making her usual slow and steady progress. It’s fantastic that she’s been able to stay healthy since her RSV, UTI, and tracheitis episode in Louisiana. It’s hard to be patient, especially when her calendar is chock full! In just three weeks, she’ll be off to Mexico for her second stem cell treatment. Recently, a parent in the support group posted a picture of her son playing in the snow when ten years ago, he was nonverbal and not walking. These treatments are working–the proof is in the pictures of Maddie, even in some taken just a month apart, and in the reports from her care team–but it takes time.

Ireland

I’m back in the Emerald Isle, baby! I landed today around 9:00AM Irish time. I’m trying to beat the jetlag by not going to sleep, even though that’s all I want to do right now. I have to admit, I’m pretty proud of myself for navigating the bus from the airport to the university. It’s good to be back on campus and I am so excited to dive back into my writing. I received excellent comments on a written piece and I’m proud of the grade. Overall results come out tomorrow (I think?), and I think I’ll be happy.

The night before my flight, I had an amazing conversation with Casey. She’s my incredibly generous friend who let me stay with her. She’d gotten some bad news about a family member’s health, and instantly I connected it with Maddie, and we talked about how life sucks sometimes. It can throw a curveball that you can’t catch or avoid. When I think back on 2021, I cannot believe I survived it.

And I only survived it because of my friends and loved ones, and Casey played a large role in that. Her and another friend, Kathleen, really pushed me to go to Ireland. They made sure I was applying and going through the necessary steps to get where I am. If I complained I was overwhelmed or unsure, they both talked me through it. They knew that if I stayed in the states, I’d lose myself.

I felt it happening. It sounds shitty to say because I know I was doing something important for my family, but to do that, I gave up a lot. I stopped working, I stopped writing, I sold my house, and I didn’t see my friends as much because if I wasn’t physically in Florida, I mentally and emotionally was there and constantly planning my next trip. I’m not complaining; I swear, I’m not. I’m really just trying to articulate how hard it was to be near Maddie with nothing to do. Missy, especially right after the accident, was surrounded by help. She still calls us her minions. There was something for everyone to do, but now that we’ve adjusted and Maddie’s making progress, there’s not always something for everyone to do. I would feel useless and sad and displaced and it’s nobody’s fault. It’s a tragic situation and I’m still grappling with understanding the enormity of it.

Living in Ireland and choosing to stay in New Jersey help me keep a part of myself. I feel guilty and awful admitting that, but my housemate Ali explained that acknowledging my self as important doesn’t mean I’m saying I’m more important. I struggle with that all-or-nothing thinking and hopefully I’ll learn how to better combat it this year.

Writing

Still no word from the publisher. If I don’t hear anything by the end of this month, I’ll check in at the beginning of February. Being back in Ireland, I’m optimistic I’ll fall back into a writing schedule.

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