You Can Date When You’re 35!

We can’t say from birth because we went the Insta-Family route in 2015 when we adopted a 4-year-old, 5-year-old, 6-year-old, and 7-year old. Still, for six or so years now, we told our girls they could date when they were thirty-five.

It was a joke, kinda.

While our girls had a traumatic past, and we’re undoubtedly protective, we encourage them to have a laser-like focus on their discipleship, education, and plans for the future.

Plus, as a pastor of over twenty years (over a quarter of which I spent as a student pastor), I have two decades of examples, illustrations, and anecdotal evidence about why middle/high school dating is often bad news.

Still, we’ve jokingly forbidden dating until 35 while instilling expectations and guidelines for when those “crushes” happen or blushing upon the mentioning of the name ________. They know 35 is a joke, but they know our own stories and understand the guidelines when that first guy comes calling.

A quick caveat.

As a pastor, I know the joys of first-year seminary students who come back to church to tell you everything you’re doing wrong on summer break. I also know those newlyweds quick to give marriage advice or pastors with less than a year of experience at their church penning how-to articles as if they’ve figured it all out. 

So please hear me: I’m not an expert. We’re figuring this out. While we’ve read every book we could find and I have a lot of experience with kids and teens, please take the following as our approach, not THE approach.

1. Set expectations early.

Since our girls arrived and before this topic even surfaced, we started laying the foundation for future dating, and we handled it with care, humor, and clear expectations. In doing so, they trust us, are open and honest, and know the way forward.

2. Respect and courtesy.

I take all our daughters out for donuts each Monday and occasionally take one out for a “date,” if you will, rotating through each daughter. I open doors for them, put the phone away, and hang on to every word they say. In doing so, they know what a gentleman is like––he’s not looking at a phone or other things; he’s focused on them from the moment he opens their car door.

3. Submission to authority.

While we’re protective, we try not to be overprotective. If he desires to date one of my daughters, he will talk to me, share his intentions, and ask permission. I will ensure his parents are on board, too, but this builds in some accountability and gracious submission––she’s not his wife, she’s my daughter, and it’s my calling to protect her.

4. Participation in ministry.

All four of our girls are Christians, and there’s a clear expectation that their future boyfriends or husbands are Christians. What’s more, all our girls have expressed some varying sense of calling to some form of ministry or mission work. We expect a guy who will push her forward, not pull her down, so he must be growing in his faith, active in the student ministries at church, and telling others about Jesus.

5. Making plans humbly.

While few know precisely their future plans in their teen years, we expect suitors to have some idea of dreams and goals in submission to God’s will. If their focus is only on the here and now without regard to the future, there’s a problem. Think ahead, dream a little, and you can push one another forward, not back.

6. Commitment to honesty.

Relationships are built on trust; they need to trust each other, and I need to trust them. I will be honest with him, she will be honest with him, and he will be honest with us. There are no secrets, no hiding, just an open line of communication.

7. Obeying rules clearly.

We have our rules; you’ll have yours––but ours include things like being a gentleman, no touching, don’t make her cry, and so forth. Mistakes happen, and grace can be given, but this one is easier when guidelines 1-6 are followed.

I’ve seen the pictures of daddy’s little girls in their homecoming dresses next to a scowling father brandishing a gun. I get it, and I have guns myself. I’ve heard the stories of dads on the porch cleaning a shotgun as the boyfriend arrives to scare ‘em straight. I get it, and I have scores of pictures of me branding and castrating cattle.

That’s an approach, but it’s not our approach. We build ours upon early, open, frank, and honest communication, mutual respect, and clear expectations and boundaries. It may not be the best, there are undoubtedly others, and we’re hopeful ours works! 

But if I could instill one thing I’m unwaveringly sure about, don’t wait until the boys start knocking on the door––lay the foundation early, build it on trust, pray for wisdom, and have an alibi.