<3 Attack
I've been M.I.A the past week because I had a brush with my immortality.
Well not really my immortality but the immortality of my childhood. I lost my mother approximately 23 years ago (this year) my father remarried two years later, he's a mater for life; I begrudged him that at the time but now I understand it as an adult and now that I know him.
Wednesday night (a week ago today) I received a phone call from my step-sister' I couldn't answer it I just thought it was a follow-up to a Facebook post I wrote to her. Then my sister-in-law called right after and I answered the phone with "why is everyone calling me" she then proceeded to tell me that my father is having a heart attack.
My world came crumbling down, I lost it–I mean tears, hyperventilating, non-communicable speech the whole nine. How in the world did my father have a heart attack, he's my Daddy? He's fun, and hysterical and the friendliest guy in the world. Hand to god he would make friends with his worst enemy, no lie. Although he doesn't have one as far as I know. I'm only 36 years old and he is only 70, how can I be an orphan? That was one of the dumbest things I've ever thought but I'm not afraid to admit it, I thought it.
Quickly as possible I packed and tied up loose ends with the assistance of my very best friend Jenn with her calming voice and life knowledge of this sort of thing. As grateful as I was it didn't stop the demons at night eating away at my REM sleep and I was an insomniac mess. Seven a.m. I was on my ten-hour drive to Charlotte, NC to get back in the car for another four and a half to Knoxville, TN. Thursday around 11:30 pm I finally got to see my father (who miraculously survived an emergency triple bypass–even the surgeon was shocked which can't be a good sign) and he was barely conscious. All he could do is look his glossy eyes at me but I didn't think he noticed that I was there.
The next two days were critical. He was on a ventilator and about 1,000 medicines and there were beeps and alarms and everything else scary you can think of and all of a sudden I was 5 years old and my daddy was really sick.
All I did was cry and try to come to terms with if he died. I wasn't handling this well at all considering my favorite grandma just died after a four-year long battle with many ups and downs just two short months ago–I think I was still raw from that!
During my visits with my dad he was mostly in and out of a morphine coma and I got a look and a hand squeeze and I was sort of content that he knew I was there–not completely. His kidneys were in failure and his lungs were full of fluid. They had him on antibiotics hoping that he didn't get a bad infection. The nurse had told my brother and I that he could be in this state for weeks. I didn't have much hope.
The last day I was there he was asleep–the.whole.day. I had to say goodbye to his unconsciously precious sleeping face I felt terrible, lost and undone.
The next day–GOOD NEWS he was more awake and his vitals were getting better. They were even talking about removing the ventilator and all his tubes. His kidneys were functioning better and his lungs started clearing. I was happy but sad that I wasn't there to see this–I am the QUEEN of bad timing.
Yesterday–best news ever! He's off all the breathing tubes and chest tubes and other tubes, fully awake, remembering slightly and…TALKING!! I called to talk to my dad crying like a baby and of course I felt bad because I know that my dad is also a crier and the last thing I wanted was him to be over emotional. And again I'm kicking myself in the ass for missing this. I am about 15 hours away from him so it's not like I can just get there whenever I want its excruciating and expensive two things I cannot tolerate. I will if I have to like I did last week but my car is not liking me right now for doing this trip twice within two months.
Today–Not great, he has a fever and some numbness in his body–I had a feeling he wasn't out of the woods yet as much as I wanted him to be, this will be a longggggggg difficult time of ups and downs.
Seeing my father in that vulnerable state was shocking and disconcerting for me. I always remember my father with so much life in him, so full of jokes (both funny and vulgar), talking to anyone who will listen. Just the support of people who were calling the hospital and coming to visit him, and the outpouring of love on Facebook from people, family, friends that couldn't be there made my heart swell with pride that my father is loved. He is the most loved man I know–and I can't imagine a world without him, not now.
It will long and difficult recovery that is painfully evident–very emotional for us and frustrating for him, but hopefully the rehab and everything will finally give him the tools to live a longer healthy life. Thus far he's done just about everything to cause those heart attacks although I didn't want to believe it until it actually happened.
Dad–if Ruth ever finds this and reads this to you–I love you, more than you can ever know and all I want is for you to get better so I can see you happy, healthy and back to normal.
