Christmas Overkill...and Kill Again!

Every year the Christmas onslaught begins earlier. In September, while still wearing shorts, I was at a store while the speaker barfed out a widdle baby-girl singing "Santa Baby." Astounded, I pushed through the throngs of early eager Christmas shoppers oohing and ahhing over cutesy elf figurines and reindeer mugs and leering Santa sleepwear. 

Don't even get me going about the one guy in my neighborhood who just can't wait to push that button and blow up his yard Santa and Kansas City Chiefs linebacker (the TRUE meaning of Christmas, I guess).

And there's a kazillion Christmas TV movies, all of them starring actors from the "Dukes of Hazzard" and with the same plot:  City girl Rebecca (Jennifer Love Hewitt) breaks up with cold corporate raider Henry (Tom Welling) and returns to her small hometown of Rockwell, Missouri, where she meets and eventually falls in love with rascally, rough around the edges, but with a heart of gold rancher, Chet (Billy Ray Cyrus), just in time to battle the evil mayor Seytan (William Shatner) and his plan to banish Christmas.

Yep, Christmas was everywhere and wayyyyy too early for my tastes. Honestly, I suppose I can't hold people at fault for wanting a semblance of normality and comfort in their lives after the two years we've had. That's their right. But the marketing machine is taking advantage of it and exploiting people missing family gatherings.

So, I say, enough!

I've found an antidote to the elongated Christmas blues. Turn off those crummy Hallmark movies and turn on the great (aka, crappy) Christmas horror films of the '70's and '80's!

Who could forget the classic Silent Night, Deadly Night? After visiting his creepy AF grandpa, little Billy witnesses his parents get slaughtered by an escaped convict dressed as Santa. Naturally, little Billy is traumatized by Christmas, so when he gets older, the best job for him is in a toy store, right? There, strange urges are awakened and he dons a Santa outfit to violently take out the neighborhood. Merry Christmas, everybody!

Interestingly enough, this movie caused quite a furor amongst irate parents and conservatives back in the day (chief among them a very disgusted Mickey Rooney), which, of course, launched it into a mega-hit. Even more interesting, the film spawned four sequels (most in name only), the last starring...wait for it...Mickey Rooney, who obviously had a lot of alimony to pay.

The original Black Christmas (not that nonsense remake from 2006 or an even newer crummy reboot) is actually a good, eerie, suspenseful film, which gave an early role to the koo-koo Margot Kidder. Actually, I believe it's one of the very first "slasher" films even though it's never credited as such. Ho ho ho-rror!

There's the truly bonkers Christmas Evil (one of John Waters' fave films if that tells you anything!) wherein our antihero takes it upon himself to save Christmas by slaughtering non-believers. The ending is very special and propels it into nearly hallucinogenic art-house territory. Happy horror-days!

The newer Santa's Slay is a hoot (a hoot, I say, a hoot!). While I can't say it's a great movie, it's a lot of fun with jaw-dropping cameo murders (who here has ever wanted to set "The Nanny" on fire? Show of hands? She's got a lot to answer for with that voice.) and a riotous stop-motion parody of the Rankin and Bass holiday specials. Season's cleavings!

My all time favorite Christmas horror movie has to go to the hard-to-see, incredibly odd Elves (1989). Dan "Grizzly Adams" Haggerty "stars" as a department store Santa who gets entangled with a cabal of evil nazi elves out to...do something. I dunno, it's all a little nonsensical, but eggnog spewing hilarious. There's also an evil stepmother who tries to flush the family cat down the toilet. Scary, scary Christmas, everyone!

Lately, there've been several new worthy Christmas horror additions. I'm looking at you, Krampus (beware the kazillion inferior rip-offs), The 12 Slays of Christmas, and A Christmas Horror Story (William...Shatner!). Be on guard for any cheapo, shot-on-video Christmas horror movies (and I use that term very lightly) with clever names. These are usually distinguished by no budget, horrid acting, hired strippers who are willing to take it all off, and people wearing shorts during Christmas time. And lots and lots and lots and lots of close-ups of tattoos and body piercings.

I would be remiss, however, if I didn't mention my--and my daughter's--newest favorite Christmas movie, Anna and the Apocalypse, the only musical, rom-com, horror, Christmas, zombie apocalypse film ever made. It's truly great, the musical for people who hate musicals. 

So the next time some bored clerk wishes you an indifferent "Merry Christmas," just think WWSD. "What would Santa do?" If we're looking at the criteria of the films we've just discussed, I think the answer is obvious.

Hair-raising horror-days everyone!

Check out the wide plethora of Christmas horror short story compilations put out by the swell folks at Grinning Skull Press under the annual Deathlehem series titles. Not only are these tomes chock-full of great prose, but all proceeds go the worthy Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation. I'm particularly fond of The Shadow over Deathlehem (which contains a stellar story by a certain writer who's too damn humble to mention himself by name).