A photograph that reminded me of a photograph

This is a first draft and I may have to delete this post should Mimo Khair think it does not do justice to her own photograph. Here is a LINK TO Mimo's Photoblog.



A Photograph that Reminded Me of a Photograph

for Mimo Khair


A friend showed me her photograph of the children who took her

away from the entrance to the Valley of the Nobles, the ancient

tombs cut from stone. In place of silence and eternity, she surrendered

to the call of giggles and handmade dolls. Small, dusty hands

clasped hers. Off she was led to their houses amid a made up chant

of her name, as if a long lost playmate had returned home.


Yellows and reds and wide smiles in that photograph

echoed a desert trip in India with my family. We expected

camels and vast stretches of nothing but sky and sand.

Not the laughter of children in bright floral saris, their hysterical

screams that made our twins withdraw. We should have

stayed a while longer in that village until their voices

settled. Instead we kept to schedule, caught

the paid-for camel ride into the sunset.


Without permission I stole their laughter,

stored it in my cellphone camera. Those children

who only wanted to play with our children

before we disappeared from them forever.


-o-


 


 


A very good friend from an online poetry critique group suggested I try shorter lines with this. So here. Please tell me what you think.


-o-


A Photograph that Reminded Me of a Photograph

for Mimo Khair


A friend showed me her photograph

of the children who took her away

from the entrance to the Valley of the Nobles,

the ancient tombs cut from stone. In place of silence

and eternity, she surrendered to the call

of giggles and handmade dolls.


Small, dusty hands clasped hers. Off she was led

to their houses amid a made up chant

of her name, as if a long lost playmate

had returned home.


Yellows and reds and wide smiles

in that photograph echoed a desert trip in India

with my family. We expected camels

and vast stretches of nothing but sky and sand.


Not the laughter of children in bright floral saris,

their hysterical screams that made our twins

withdraw. We should have stayed a while longer

in that village until their voices settled.


Instead we kept to schedule, caught

the paid-for camel ride into the sunset.

Without permission I stole their laughter,

stored it in my cellphone camera.


Those children who only wanted

to play with our children

before we disappeared

from them forever.


-o-


 



Filed under: Asia, Fragments and Moments, Influences, Life in a different world, Mga Tula / Poetry, poetry, Uncategorized Tagged: children, India, Jaisalmer, Jim Pascual Agustin, Mimo Khair, photography
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Published on March 13, 2012 05:36
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message 1: by Ruth (new)

Ruth I do lean toward the longer lines, though both versions work fine for me. Nice poem!

And thanks for your comment on my blog. Poetry does = life!


message 2: by Jim (new)

Jim Agustin thanks Ruth!

I prefer the longer lines, too. I enjoyed reading your post. I should go back to check out the rest of your blog - when I have more time.


message 3: by Rose (last edited Mar 18, 2012 07:35AM) (new)

Rose Boehm Great stuff. Lovely. Long lines, short lines... you're the first to feel it when it works or doesn't and you are the 'owner' of the poem to make it as perfect as you can and then you send it out and it's on its own. And each one of us will add from ourselves and our own experiences to make it complete a thousand times (well, let's hope. If it's a hundred, that's fine too) :)))


message 4: by Jim (new)

Jim Agustin Thanks for the lovely post, Rose!


message 5: by Rose (new)

Rose Boehm :)


message 6: by Dawn (new)

Dawn Copley-Lindsey Hey Jim - I LOVE this picture! the children are beautiful and this poem captures what you describe perfectly! I do like the shorter lines. I feel it reads easier and flows better. But, like Rose said, it is your own and you should put it out there however you feel it! I love the way you write! I have been off the radar for awhile - migraines - UGG!!! So I have had to stay away from the computer screen - the light, I guess irritates my headaches. I am feeling better now, trying some new medication. So I will try to post more now. Good to be back! Happiness>>>Dawn


message 7: by Jim (new)

Jim Agustin Thanks, Dawn!

I also suffer from migraine. Been a while since the last attack. Apparently magic mushrooms help. haha never tried it though. Take care.


message 8: by Koeeoaddi (new)

Koeeoaddi Prefer the second version, but I absolutely love this, Jim! Any which way.


message 9: by Jim (new)

Jim Agustin Thanks, Ko!


message 10: by Dawn (new)

Dawn Copley-Lindsey Hey Jim! I'm Back!!!! I am feeling better! I have some new medication for migraines and I will try to stay in touch more now! How are you! I know you are writing more good stuff! I look forward to reading more. I will try to send you that poem I was going to let you edit soon. Take care - Love and Happiness>>>Dawn


message 11: by Jim (new)

Jim Agustin Dawn, I don't have easy net access these days. Visiting my family in the Philippines, my mother is nearly blind and very frail. So I can't get online at the moment. Back to Cape Town first week of May. Can you wait til then? Thanks for remembering me. :) Take care.


message 12: by Dawn (new)

Dawn Copley-Lindsey Jim - I am so sorry to hear about your Mother. My Mother also has trouble with sight. she sees very little now because of Macular Degeneration and she has athritis so bad she cannot walk for any lenght of time. I love her dearly so I stay in the same town clase to my parents house so I am always available. We still have our family Cocker Spaniel, Biscuit. She lives to care for him. He is so sweet and loving and he gives her a purpose. My Mother loved to read and now sehe cannot. she gets so frustrated. So I often read to her and write fo her too! I am so glad to be with her during this time. I love my parents very much . They have given me vey much love and care and a wonder life. You are a good son. I will stay in touch . My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family>>>Love and Hope...Dawn


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