Holding Space for your Horse (pt.2)

Holding Space – Lessons from the Jour... The gift that keeps on giving

Holding Space for your Horse (pt.2)

In Part 1, I talked about holding space — the idea of being present during someone else’s difficult situation without making it about your own discomfort (avoid bringing the “fix it” energy to another person’s emotional pain). This is something we often do subconsciously, without realizing we’re trying to relieve our own discomfort by stopping the others outward expressions of emotional pain.

As I discussed in Part 1, my horse, Farletta has been struggling with anxiety as she adjusts to her new farm. This anxiety is exacerbated when she is in heat. When she is anxious, particularly when she is in a stall, she paces and worries, sometimes getting frantic. I couldn’t change her situation, she would do the same thing outside, since all her friends are also in the barn. She wanted what I couldn’t give her in that moment. I knew she would settle, she needed more time to adjust. Still, I hated to see her in distress, it hurt my heart and I worried about the harm stress can cause to her overall health.

(Sometimes Farletta is quite content in her stall. She always has 24/7 access to hay and is never in the barn alone)

My important realization in that last post was that my worrying energy was making her anxiety worse. She didn’t need me to stew about her and worry and stress, she didn’t need me adding that negative energy to her already anxious state. She needed me to “hold space,” to recognize she is struggling (she is seen, she is heard) but not get upset and try to stop her outward expression of what she is feeling (behavior is communication).

There is an important distinction here: this is not ignoring her discomfort or not trying to address whatever is making her unhappy. We need to be aware of our role in what is happening and fix what we can. What I am saying, is I need to not add to her problem by being uncomfortable with her expressing her discomfort. Remember, behavior is communication. Don’t shut down what your horse is trying to say (especially if you can’t offer a viable solution), anymore than you should try to stop your friend from outward expressions of grief over the loss of a loved one.

How am I putting this into practice?

The other night I drove out to see Farletta. The new farm is about 35 minutes away, a much longer drive than I prefer but Farletta is happy there and that is what counts. Walking out to the field, I could see Farletta was away from the other mares, grazing by herself. I whistled to her and called her name, she picked up her head for a moment, and even took a few steps toward me, then turned away and went to talk to the geldings she shares a fence line with. I could now see she was strong in heat. I whistled again, and walked toward her. She stayed with the geldings, then took a few more steps my direction before turning away again.

I kept walking toward her, calling her. She turned and walked away, back toward the other mares. I followed her, and she walked faster. She finally stopped and allowed me to catch up to her. I offered her a treat, which she accepted. Then I offered to scratch her neck, and just be with her, she walked away. The message was clear…not today, Mom.

(Not today, Mom)

I admit, sometimes those old tapes still play in my head, the ones that tell me the horse should do what I say, that I’m the alpha, the leader, yada yada yada. Frustrated, I was thinking about driving all that distance to see Farletta, and the time and gas it cost. It’s not like I’m asking anything much of her, since her retirement, all I do anymore is bring her in and groom her, maybe take her for a walk…what’s the big deal? I come all this way and she doesn’t even want to see me.

Pause. Light bulb moment: Why does it have to be on my terms? I can see Farletta, she’s grazing right over there. Isn’t that what I’m here to do, to see her? Well, there she is.

At this point, I walked over to the back fence of the field, sat and leaned against a post, and just existed with Farletta and her friends. I observed the horses, the field, and how I felt in that space. I watched Farletta without judgement (without trying to assign meaning to her actions) and then I closed my eyes and meditated.

We spent about 25 minutes together in this way. Farletta stayed near enough that I could see her the whole time, but she never came very close to me. She also stayed away from the other mares (a behavior change vs. when she was not in heat) which made me wonder about her past heat cycles, where she would at times chase her paddock mate away, even though she was obviously bonded to her. She was in a smaller space then, perhaps the energy of closeness to other females is uncomfortable for her while cycling? It is a question, a curiosity, but I let it fall short of a judgement.

Farletta walked over to the boys’ fence a few times, but didn’t linger for long. I could feel that she appreciated the ability to physically distance herself and the freedom of choice. I marveled at the difference in how she handled her heat cycle when she had these options available to her (space, options to be close to males or females, or away from everyone).

(After a while, two of the other mares notice me and come on over to inspect)

(The alpha mare stands quite close, having a good sniff of my shoe)

After a while, two of the other mares walked over to inspect me. They seemed surprised to see me but not unhappy. Farletta watched them interact with me, but didsn’t move from her grazing position. It was interesting to see them seemingly ignoring her, staying much farther away from her than in previous weeks before she went into this first heat cycle on the new farm. It was even more interesting when I considered she is the low horse in the pecking order (and therefore, generally not entitled to many choices). But there seemed to be a respectful communication going between her and the mares. The same thing she tried to communicate to me several times before it finally sank in: I see you, I acknowledge you, I’m glad you’re here, but I want to be left alone today.

I can accept that, and I’m grateful I was open to receiving her message.

Carry on.

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