Goblins and Evil Overlords

Goblins have long accepted that they are small, weak and easily defeated in combat. Their solution is to gather in groups for protection, which hasn’t worked at all. Even crowds of goblins are no match for larger, stronger, organized and better armed opponents. But in true goblin fashion they have found a solution.

Goblins and Evil Overlords

Other Place is a world in near constant conflict, with wars, rebellions and revolutions a yearly occurrence. Among this chaos has arisen the phenomenon known as the evil overlord. Evil overlords are men and women who have decided to take over the world, or as much of it as possible. Charismatic, desperate, oftentimes mad, rarely successful, evil overlords keep rising up to threaten the world. What makes evil overlords dangerous is their ability to attract equally desperate men, women and even monsters. Their forces can swell to enormous sizes in a matter of months as those with nothing to lose throw their lot in with the evil overlord. Given time, these forces can rival armies.

Over the centuries, goblins have watched evil overlords rise (and usually fall) with great interest. To a goblin’s mind, belonging to a big group improves your chances of winning, and spreads the blame if you lose. Goblins flocked to evil overlord’s banners in an effort to join the winning team for once, only to be turned away every time. Evil overlords know their chances aren’t good and don’t waste time with inferior followers. Most people would give up after countless rejections, but goblins lack the common sense to recognize a trend. Instead they came up with an idiotic idea that was so stupid it actually worked. Goblins decided to make their own evil overlords.

The plan starts when goblins find a person, the less terrifying, desperate, ambitious and capable, the better. Goblins flock around the poor fool and declare him their new evil overlord. It doesn’t matter how many times the person refuses to play along or tries to drive the goblins away, they won’t stop. As the plan progresses, the goblins build crude fortifications around their new leader’s property to defend him. More goblins are called in until there is a small army eager to serve a person who wants nothing to do with them.

If this was all that happened it would be a bad joke, but the goblins don’t stop there. They spread the word far and wide that there’s a new evil overlord. Goblins search for additional followers for their new master, and they’re not looking for goblins anymore. Instead they seek tough, dangerous men and women on the lookout for the next big opportunity. Most ignore the goblins, but enough accept the chance to join an evil overlord’s growing army that they swell the ranks with competent warriors.

By now the ‘evil overlord’ is well and truly panicking. Dangerous people are coming to pledge their allegiance. Local rulers assume the worst and send soldiers to put down the upstart. If the poor fool runs, his followers go with him. Many reluctant overlords have to fight their way out, which convinces rulers that they are indeed the evil overlords that goblins claim them to be. In a matter of months there is a new evil overlord, surrounded by goblins who finally have a place within an evil overlord’s army.

It’s unclear how much goblins understand what they’re doing. In many cases goblins simply assume a person is a fledgling evil overlord with no evidence to support this theory. They claim the victim has something about him, be it a pleasing personality, a good work ethic, or even that they smell nice, and use that as proof the person is an evil overlord. Other times the goblins actively recruit a person to be their overlord. They see some kernel of greatness, a spark of power, wisdom or intelligence that makes them think this is a leader who can save them.

Ridiculous as this is, goblins are totally devoted to their new master, even if they did put him in his place. Goblins will fight no matter the odds to protect their evil overlord, following his orders to the letter once he accepts his new role. More than one evil overlord has had his life saved by goblins who, by all rights, should have been totally unable to be of any help at all.

Odder still, these manufactured evil overlords have a better success rate than naturally occurring ones. Most live to old age, surviving many battles and leading their forces to at least minor victories. None take over the world, but they often form small kingdoms that are surprisingly stable. It’s believed that these reluctant evil overlords lack the desperation and ambition of the real thing, allowing them to make better long term decisions.

The most famous evil overlord is the Dread Overlord Joshua, a tiny baby boy. Two goblins passing through the Land of the Nine Dukes found a baby and decided the boy was destined to be an evil overlord. They then set out to recruit followers, finding many wanted men and women who were eager to find a master worth serving. By the time these new followers realized their overlord was too young to have teeth, they decided banding together with Joshua as their nominal leader was better than being alone. In time these forces played a part in defeated a villain known as the Fallen King before retreating to an uninhabited region near the coast to found a new settlement. As of this writing, Joshua is a rambunctious boy of two who doesn’t like to go to bed, loves his parents and has no idea he is the titular head of an army.
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Published on December 08, 2021 17:29 Tags: comedy, evil-overlords, goblins, humor
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