Sometimes Adjusting Means Making the Hard Decisions

This year has had its ups and downs, its highs and lows, its good and bad moments. And while we inch closer to the end of the year, I can’t help but look back and stare at all the things I got done, and all the things I didn’t.

I graduated with my motherfucking M.F.A. in Creative Writing. I wrote and revised and polished my very first full-length manuscript of written work. I actually sent out that manuscript for publication consideration, and all within only a few months of graduating with my M.F.A. I think sometimes the gravity of what it means to have completed a graduate degree gets lost in the idea of what creative writing is. Because yes, while the bulk of the work I did was creative, it involved an enormous amount of critical thinking, research, reading, and critical writing. It involved daily dedication to the creative process and an on-going cycle of learning how to be possessive of my time, my energy, my creativity, and my value.

It also involved the exhausting process of separating the content of my work from the work itself. When writing about trauma, it can cloud our judgment and make it difficult to see the ways in which a piece needs to be revised and polished. Some of the pieces I created in my first year of grad school didn’t get much revision, if any at all, because I couldn’t give myself the distance I needed to really pick apart the writing itself. It hurts to realize that a piece you thought was incredible is really just basic as fuck. But it can also be motivating because it forces the mind to think differently about the experiences so that we can write about them differently, too. And that really is what the writing process is supposed to be.

I also got promoted at work. I keep looking back to who I was when I started this job versus who I am now, and more has changed than just the position I’m in. I am a healthier, happier, harder worker now than when I was still married. I carry a lot less emotional weight now than I did then. I’ve outgrown the people I needed to outgrow, I’ve moved forward and carved out a path I genuinely didn’t think I could. I’ve learned. I’ve paid attention. I’ve watched the people I work with. And now I have a new position to show for it, and it’s been a really amazing transition. I love what I do.

And I’ve done a lot of the work I needed to do to heal from the traumas of my past. Or, at least, start the healing process. Because I genuinely didn’t know how to process through the traumas of my miscarriages, my marriage, and other traumas when I started on this healing journey. I didn’t know how hard it would be, and I definitely didn’t know how raw it would make me. But I also underestimated how much better I would feel about myself, how much stronger and more capable I would feel. I have a lot more healing left to do, but I can look at where I am now and nod and say that I have come an extremely long way. I am fucking proud of myself, people.

And rather than look back at what I didn’t get done and feel guilty/sorry for myself, I’m going to set new goals for the new year.

Getting myself in better financial standing is my top priority next year. This year my budgeting was not where it needed to be, and so starting now (and especially moving into the new year), I’ll be taking strides to reduce unnecessary spending. Why? Well, general lack of stress due to money, for one thing. But beyond that, my partner and I are looking to buy a house and that will require a hefty down payment, and I want to contribute to that payment as much as I can. I’m grateful for our condo, but it is too small. I doubt we’ll be able to save the full down payment in one year, but the more I can help, the shorter that process will be.

Learning to stick to even the smallest goals I set for myself is the next big goal I have for next year. Whether it’s my writing practice or my reading schedule or cooking instead of eating out, I want to be better at sticking to my daily, weekly, and monthly goals. Letting things slide every now and then is healthy, but letting them slide all of the time just compounds the stressors into each other until I’m too exhausted by stress to do anything to alleviate the stress. Part of this includes adjusting my medication. What I’m taking right now just isn’t enough to help me manage, and there’s nothing wrong with recognizing that I need more help.

I want to be a better partner next year, and that means taking responsibility for my choices, my needs, my feelings, and my day-to-day ability to manage my mental health. It’s not that I’m a bad partner right now, but when I avoid/ignore taking this responsibility, it strains my relationship. I’ve seen how toxic and dysfunctional relationships can become when people don’t take responsibility for their mental health and I cannot let this relationship go that way. My partner is the single most amazing and supportive human being I have ever known. I want to know that I’m the same for him.

None of these things will be easy to accomplish, but they will all help me build a stronger, more stable personal existence. I’m grateful for what I got done this year, and I’m grateful for the year the come so that I can grow even more.