The Complexities of Ownership

I have always struggled with the idea of taking “ownership” of our lives. On the surface, it’s a great concept, but without coupling it with empathy, it can cause real damage.

Lots of books have been written on the theme of ownership, and most of those books have genuinely pissed me off within the first few pages. The basic premise is that we are the owners of our lives, we are in control, and if we don’t like our lives/aspects of our lives, then it’s up to us to change it/them. And in very basic terms, there’s nothing factually wrong about this. However, it ignores and negates the very real truth that the systems in this country that allow people to change their lives are based on white supremacy, cis-hetoronormativity, and ableism.

In my own life, I’ve struggled with this concept for many reasons. Firstly and most importantly, the people who have held tightly to the belief that our lives are entirely within our control only and that no one else is responsible for us have been those most responsible for my trauma. Namely, my ex. He started reading some extreme self-help books and, while it did work to motivate him, it also made him hugely uproot his ability to hold empathy and compassion for others. It made him neglect our relationship even more since my life and my happiness in the relationship were “entirely” up to me.

But this is why we need to always couple this concept with a massive emphasis on compassion and empathy. Because yes, when my life has been at its worst and I’ve been the most unhappy, it’s been because there are things I’ve needed to do to change my circumstances. But this overlooks the very real emotional, physical, mental, financial, and personal obstacles that make changing our circumstances difficult. Mental illness, for instance. Nothing I do will ever “cure” me of depression and anxiety. The best I can work for is the ability to understand and manage my mental health, and while that is ultimately up to me, it isn’t as simple as just deciding to do it one day. Managing my mental health is a tiring process that almost always leaves me feeling drained. So yeah, I can choose to focus more on my mental health (and I have and I do), but it never comes without some kind of cost.

Or even take my marriage. I was unhappy for years, and yeah, the ability to change that was always within my power. I could have left him at any time, but financially and emotionally that did not feel like an option until the moment I decided I was going to leave him. Wanting something, and even knowing how to accomplish it, isn’t always enough. Leaving him meant needing to find somewhere to live, it meant paying my own rent, it meant giving up the benefits I had being married to him. In short, it meant a whole new kind of struggle, one I hadn’t faced yet and wasn’t sure I would survive.

This is why we need to also emphasize empathy and compassion. It maintains that connection while also recognizing that not everyone is coming from the same place as we are. Yes, thousands of women before me had left abusive relationships. Yes, I knew that I was capable of leaving and making a new life for myself. But it is always different when the time comes for us to make those choices. And sometimes the right choice, the choice that will actually be better for us in the long run, is to make these changes slowly. Not everyone can leave hurtful situations without putting themselves in other hurtful situations.

So yes, our choices and our lives are entirely our own and within our own power. But there are always circumstances which make each person’s journey unique. I recognize that there are points of privilege I have that allow me to make these changes to my life without as much struggle as others. Moreover, there’s something very disturbing in using the struggles of other people as examples for motivation. If an individual wants to tell their story because they’re proud of what they’ve accomplished, that’s one thing. But it’s something else entirely for society to use those same stories to shame others for not accomplishing as much, or for not making those same choices. Because the fact is there are always facets we can’t see that determine what people can and can’t choose for themselves.

And yet, the idea that I was always and will always be in control of my life is the primary idea that has allowed me to overcome so much. It also allows me to see the places where I’m still codependent and still need healing. I guess my point is this: ownership ideology pointed inward can be empowering and motivating. But pointed outward at others, especially without empathy, can obliterate our compassion and continue the cycle of brokenness.

So today, set those goals. Start planning them out.
But always remember to reach toward empathy.