Remembering to Reverse the Internal Narrative
Healing from trauma is not the end of one’s mental health journey. I’m not even sure “healing” can be counted as an end when it is an ongoing process. However, having completed the work of EMDR, my brain has, quite literally, been reprogrammed. Or, as my therapist put it yesterday, I’ve downloaded the new software, I just have to remember to use it. I am the 2.0 version of Riley’s operating system, I just have to remember not to revert back to the old operating system. (It sounds much better when she says it.)
My internal narrative has always been one of never enough. Changing that narrative to fit what I really feel and know inside of myself is a long and arduous process. Trauma, betrayal, and the very real emotional consequences of both, leave me always feeling uncomfortable in my own magic. My therapist said it’s like imposter syndrome, which is a collection of symptoms. I’ve done a huge bulk of the healing work, and yet I keep wondering if I did it right, if it was enough, if I just masked my way through it all. The answer is yes, I did it right, it was enough, and no, I didn’t just mask my way through it all. But the reason I feel these insecurities is because reshaping the mind also means a reshaping of the self.
The fact is, it’s much more uncomfortable to exist in the state of adaptive thinking (reinforcing my positive core beliefs) than it is to revert back to existing in my negative core beliefs. But honestly, just looking back over the last month and seeing how much those negative core beliefs have contributed to my insecurities, it’s astonishing to me that I can even stand to live in that place. Why would I want to live every single day inside of such intense self-doubt?
This week I finally came out of the many weeks long depressive episode I’ve been in, and holy shit, it feels amazing to be here. And I know that I can’t just “choose” to not be depressed, since that’s not how mental illness works, but how often I really focus on those positive core beliefs is a key part of how I feel everyday. It takes time and energy to reinforce them, but it takes even more time and energy to get myself out of the depressive episode.
Remembering to reverse the internal narrative is not easy, but it is worth it. Every time I acknowledge that I’m feeling the negative core belief, and then remind myself of how far I’ve come, I reinforce more positive, self-uplifting thinking. The more I do it, the more good habits are formed. It’s really that simple. It’s also really fucking hard. It’s also so very worth it because I really can continue building a healthier, happier life for myself.
It just comes down to remembering the things that help me on this journey. I can’t do them all at once, and I can’t rebuild my life in one sitting, but I can take intentional steps everyday to invest in both my short and long term well being. It starts inside of me first, and then extends outward to the choices I make, the places I go, and the words I speak. And besides, nothing irks the haters more than seeing you rise up and thrive when all they want is for you to struggle.
I won’t grow bitter.
I won’t dim my light and magic for anyone.
I have survived.
I can get my needs met.
And I am enough.
