2022 Goal

Well, here it is.

I really really need to stop. I need to stop using this blog, my youtube channel, my discord server as an emotional crutch.

It’s not even just an emotional crutch. It’s that I did so many ridiculous things over the course of 2019 and 2020 that I keep wanting to explain myself. It seems like every time I tell myself I’m a small beans creator and nobody pays any attention to me, somebody I’ve barely spoken to pops up to mention something I wrote on my blog or said on my youtube channel. So people pay attention. For who knows what reason.

Well, knowing that so many people witnessed the weirdness of those two years. Knowing that I made a fool of myself. Knowing I acted really obnoxiously and selfishly. Knowing that my desire to be edgy made me the absolute epitome of cringe. Knowing that I put all my mental issues on display for everyone. It keeps making me want to EXPLAIN MYSELF. Explain how much pain I was in. Explain why I interact with people so weirdly. Explain that the climax of this weirdness was not my fault and I was hurt and I was wronged and it wasn’t okay.

I mean…I’ve said everything. I have said everything and all that’s left to do now is stop talking about it. Because we’re past the point of processing and onto ruminating. I hit ruminating a really long time ago.

I sort of went through this with my mom years ago. I kept raging and raging and explaining why she was wrong to do all of the stuff she did. I wrote a lot of stuff on the internet deep down hoping she’d stumble across it and feel so so bad for everything. I said a lot directly to her too. I kept trying to find the exact right combination fo words to convince her that I didn’t deserve the things she did. But she always had an excuse and when she didn’t have an excuse she said, “You’re being crazy. You’re having an episode.” So, yeah…she would say that instead of saying, “Sorry I used to drag you out of bed by your hair and scream that I hated you” or “Sorry for the time I left cuts all over you and I’m sorry you still have the scars and it’s part of you forever.” She never said that. She only says “You’re crazy. Leave me alone.”

And I wasn’t able to cut her off until I really REALLY told myself that she would never be sorry. She would never see the situation the way that I did. She can’t face what she’s done, so she won’t. And the more I was angry at her, the more she spun it “Jen is crazy.” And I did act crazy. Nobody in my family would just say “Hey! That shouldn’t have happened! You didn’t deserve it!” and I kept getting so angry that everyone would talk about me being “emotional” but nobody would talk about the things my mom did. It made me feel crazy and I acted crazy. It didn’t matter to anyone that she did some really horribly violent things to me and my sisters when we were kids. All that anyone saw was how erratic and emotionally unhinged I was.

I think what happened in 2020 was a massive blow to my already really low self-esteem. And it brought me right back to all the awful feelings my mom used to give me. Which is why for the past year, I’ve alternated between ranting about someone on the internet who used a sock account to mess with me and then ranting about my mom. Sometimes in the same posts.

It’s like that in my head too. I’m mad about that sock puppet event. Then I’m mad about my mom.

It’s difficult to sort out exactly why on this weird emotional level my brain has linked these two hurtful things together. I can’t think about one without thinking about the other.

The best that I can guess is that both of these people were people I desperately wanted attention and approval from, and both of them saw that desperation and used it to hurt me, and both of them gaslit me (went out of their way to get a reaction and then acted like I was crazy for having a reaction), and both of them-this is the important part-will never ever be sorry.

So this is my very last time talking about it…I hope. I don’t have great impulse control. I’m really going to try though.

I’m trying to tell myself that it’s okay if my mom is never sorry. I accepted that once, but this event in November of 2020 kicked all that anger right off again.

There are a lot of people who like me. I think I need to figure out how to like me. Or at least not actively hate myself all the time.

I think I’m staying stuck by allowing myself to vent my frustrations and emotions publicly, and trying again and again to EXPLAIN, to convince everyone who might be silently watching that I’m more than a train wreck, that I’m not a joke, that I’m a person and I’ve been through some stuff that I’m trying to get over it, and sometimes I’m stupid and selfish, but I’m trying to do better and I want for people to not be watching this and laughing at me. I really hate the thought of people laughing at me.

But that’s something I can’t control. And if people are laughing, I guess i shouldn’t care what they think. Because I know I never laugh at people when they’re in pain, even if they’re acting wild. I always feel bad for them and hope they get it together. I shouldn’t care about the opinion of anyone who doesn’t respond that way to people in emotional distress. I have to get over it.

So this is it (I hope).

Only books and such from now on.

And if you’re out reading this and you’ve seen a lot of it go down and you can see that I’m a person and you’re not laughing at me, then thanks.

That’s it.

And I’m going to go to therapy, although I’m incredibly distrustful of therapists and will probably quit after one session. But I’ll try it.