No Good Solution

I’ve been estranged from my mom for years, but I haven’t blocked her phone number. I have her blocked on all social media platforms. not that I use my real name online, but that’s paranoia I guess.

And the times that I’m not paranoid, something pops up to make me paranoid. Like the time in 2017 when I followed one of my paternal uncles on wattpad. Within hours my biological dad (his brother) had followed me. I have never met my biological dad. I’ve only spoken to him by email and over the phone a handful of times as a teenager. He’s an obnoxious, self-involved, superior sort of person. I don’t enjoy interacting with him, so I don’t.

For whatever reason, my lack of a relationship with him does not consciously bother me. I’m sure somewhere deep down in my subconscious, I’m all fucked up from not knowing my dad. But at a conscious level, I experience no emotional pain from not knowing him. I feel no gaping absence in my life. I just don’t care. And that’s not me putting on a brave face or whatever. Have y’all seen how much I whine about my mommy issues? Promise if I had daddy issues I was consciously aware of, y’all would hear all about it.

That being said, I don’t want to invite his energy into my life. What if there’s an emotion bomb ticking away in my head somewhere and interacting with him could set it off? Better not to risk it. Especially since I think he’s an obnoxious dickhead and I don’t enjoy speaking to him at all. That’s an all risk no reward situation. At the very best, a relationship with him would be draining and annoying.

So he was blocked on wattpad and so was my paternal uncle and to this day I don’t interact with that side of the family much online.

I don’t want a relationship with my biological dad. I never plan to meet him, and this does not make me sad. It doesn’t make me feel anything.

My mom on the other hand…I can not stop wanting her to love me and be proud of me. It’s really pathetic. I know it is. I know it is.

Well, I blocked her email. I have her blocked on everything. Except for my phone.

I mean, there were a few years she was blocked on my phone and I went a solid few years without talking to her at all.

Then one day I got a text from an unknown number. The text was very friendly, asking me how I was and if I was still writing. I figured it was a friend who got a new number. I answered and then said, “Who is though? lol sorry, I don’t have this number in my phone.”

The number kept chatting at me and didn’t answer the question.

I said. “No, seriously, who is this? I need to know who I’m talking to.”

They still did not answer. Only replied, “Glad you’re doing well. I miss you.”

I did a little bit of sleuthing (ie-calling my grandma to find out if my mom got a new number) and it was her.

Ever since then, she texts me from that number every year on my birthday. I usually ignore her. But every few years, I text back.

This year, I texted back.

We swapped pie recipes and she told me about her job and her pet bird and I started to go a little crazy.

We could really be close, like real mother-daughter, like in movies when people love each other, and she only lives like an hour away, we could see each other all the time and I could go visit her and we could go shopping and we could really really love each other and I could call her for advice.

And while all this was happening, I started to have these VERY STRONG feelings for a female streamer. Like not romantic feelings. But these awful platonic crush feelings that I get sometimes. And I joined her discord and tried to talk to her and spent literal hours trying to write some pithy, charming message that I could superchat to her during a stream.

I looked at all her pictures online and read every post I could find about her. One afternoon was devoted exclusively to reading horrible kiwi farms threads about her and getting irate on her behalf. I came pretty close to making an account specifically to whiteknight her.

The thing about this weird fixation on this woman was that as it got more intense, I was able to pull back from interacting with my mom. It was like the more I cared about this para-social thing, the less I cared about this very real thing.

Well, anti-climactic resolution: some very smart people told me to ease off creeping on this streamer AND to stop texting my mom. And for once in my life, I listened.

That was a tough week emotionally. Making myself stop looking at this streamer’s content, it felt like I was experiencing some real loss, even though logically, I knew that I wasn’t. Having that platonic crush felt so nice. I wanted to keep walking around with those warm, fuzzy butterflies. Brains and feelings are so irrational.

But now I can see that streamer without my feelings spinning out of control or ruminating on how to get her attention. And I’m back to ignoring my mom.

I haven’t blocked her yet. I think I’m going to.

Who knows though? I don’t know why cutting that last thread is so difficult for me.

It seems like everybody else has family they love and I don’t. I have no relationship with either of my parents or any of my siblings.

Sometimes I get really sad around this time of year. Some years I don’t get too sad. Some years I read a bunch of Christmas romance and watch a bunch of Hallmark movies and pretend everything is okay.

There is no good solution for people born into toxic families. You can either let them treat you terribly your entire life or you can cut them off. Either way, you never stop feeling like something really important is missing, or questioning that the choice you made was the right one.

Anyway, I’m sad this year.

I think I’ll be okay if I can just get a few more projects up and going. Keeping busy is the best thing to do.