A Relationship with Myself
The HK Photo Company via Unsplash.com“For things to reveal themselves to us, we need to be ready to abandon our views about them.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Being Peace
It has been three weeks.
That long ago, I texted them to coordinate another night out, another date. After all, it was their idea: “We should see each other before the holidays.” Well, I never heard from them. Perhaps they are busy; perhaps they didn’t mean what they suggested. What I know for certain is that I’ve been ghosted, and it felt like a hot spike pierced my heart after believing that we had a unique connection like nothing I have ever felt before. I truly believed this time it would be different. To say I’m disappointed is this year’s understatement.
I’m angry. I’m distraught. I’m so tender. I’ve waited long enough, and I’ve given them enough time to reply to a simple text.
While waiting for an answer, I began getting more and more discouraged. I’ve felt this before; it’s the feeling of hopelessness I felt while dating my ex back in 2014.
You see, this ex was an emotionally abusive person. Emotionally unintelligent, his response to my depression and anxiety was simply to ignore my text messages, to never talk with me about his feelings, and to shift blame to me. He even kicked me out of his apartment once in the middle of the night. It was -15C outside and 11 p.m. His cruelty knew no bounds.
Seven years from that disaster of a relationship, I began thinking about him again. About how much I’d love to punch him in the face. Of all the times I had to withstand his snarkiness, asshole behavior, and narcissistic tendencies; I was, in essence, his emotional punching bag. Most of the people I knew at the time in a foreign country were his friends, which didn’t help the matter, either. They all turned their back against me when he dumped me. No one cared to even call to see if I was doing well.
Contacting him online to request an apology for his abuse triggered an “I’m not responsible for your feelings but you’re responsible for my responses to your feelings” message. Reader, narcissists are lost causes. There’s no redeeming them.
I’ve moved on; actually, I moved on a long time ago. At least that’s what I told myself. Therapy, journaling, meditation, yoga, Buddhism: they’ve all been my source of strength and healing. So, when these thoughts about my ex invaded my head, I was unprepared to wage battle. I haven’t given him a thought in ages. Why was I reliving this nightmare?
Healing can come in stages, and so can grief. Little did I know that, as I waited by my phone expecting some communication (anything, really), I was slowly being triggered. Drip by drip, the growing silence woke up the monster of trauma I still carry with me, and my love interest’s lack of communication bears similarities to my ex’s. This time, however, something different happened.
This time, I noticed the trigger. Noticing the trigger took about a week, but I aptly identified the feelings for what they were. Instead of denying my feelings and trying to cope, I cried when appropriate: that was on a Monday, again on a Wednesday, and on a Thursday. By Friday, a Buddhist friend well-versed in astrology explained my Pluto was in a square trine with something else, a “dark night of the soul” kind of moment that will last for the next year at least. In addition, and to make matters worse, we’re in a Taurus-Scorpio moon eclipse series as of last week, a series that will last for the next two years. The last time we experienced this eclipse series in the Taurus-Scorpio axis, I was dating my ex. Lunar eclipses reveal our shadows so they can be identified and healed. I have no choice but to confront my trauma.
Revisiting trauma is not for the weak. On the contrary, looking at yourself deeply, without pretenses and without exaggerations, is one of the most difficult but deeply rewarding experiences you can gift yourself.
What did I do differently this time?
I emailed my therapist soon after my friend highlighted my Pluto-square-trine-in-something aspect. I booked an appointment to work on the trauma. Having a space to discuss deep-rooted traumas and fears is crucial to move forward and improve our condition. Putting in the work even when we don’t want to do it is even more important to move forward. Wishing things away doesn’t work.
I didn’t shift blame to anyone. Contrary to seven years ago, I’m more attuned now to my thoughts and feelings and how they condition my reality. As you’ve read so far, I’ve barely discussed my love prospect and their lack of communication here. Instead, I’m choosing myself over the love prospect because I’m the one I must live with.
As Zen Buddhist master Thich Nhat Hahn once wrote, “Letting go gives us freedom, and freedom is the only condition for happiness. If, in our heart, we still cling to anything — anger, anxiety, or possessions — we cannot be free.”
Choose freedom. Choose yourself. The rest follows even when you, like me, fear it will not.
[image error]A Relationship with Myself was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.
