An Old Guy and His Aging Laptop

Hmmm, which of us willreach obsolete status first?

It occurred to me todaythat my laptop and I have a lot in common. I never thought I would be likening myselfto a piece of technology. But the resemblances are now too obvious to ignore.

We have both been aroundthe block a few times and have battle scars to prove it. I have gray hair, asurgically chopped and reattached colon and wrinkles in places too numerous tomention. My laptop’s J key sticks, its’ E key is completely obscured and itstouch pad has something resembling a black hole on it.

My energy level is a palecomparison to what it once was and has clearly defined limits. My laptop’sbattery is dead, quite literally dead,meaning it cannot function without being plugged into a power source.

The pace at which I goabout my business has geared down several levels. Now and then I get a spurt ofenergy which makes me feel young again. But that is an illusion. My laptoptakes inordinately long to boot up and is painfully slow. Occasionally it has agood day and responds promptly. But that is just a tease.

My wonky back gripes atme every day, even though I treat it to weekly chiropractic treatments, and occasionallythreatens to lock up. My laptop feels aggrieved when overtaxed and periodicallyfreezes in the midst of routine functions.

New technology is thebane of my existence. I cannot keep up with it, avoid it when possible and achieveonly baseline competence when I must adapt to it.

My laptop does nothandle new versions of software well. YourOffice product is no longer supported has been displaying at the top of thescreen for quite some time. My laptop and I both willfully ignore it because weknow that neither one of us is up to the upgrade. We live in fear of the Important Updates are Pending notice.

I avoid going onlineuntil I have to because of all the threats that lie waiting there to strike:viruses, malware, ransomware and phishing e-mails. My laptop lives in mortalfear of these digital evils knowing full well that contracting one would be itsdemise.

I am 18 months out fromretirement, cannot wait to get there but regularly wonder if I will make it tothe finish line before I am put out to pasture. My laptop is long past itsexpiry date, longs for the day when it will be shut down forever and worriesthat the big crash will come first.

My laptop and I have alove-hate relationship. I am completely dependent upon it and begrudge the fact.I also regularly curse it out for operating poorly. It responds by operatingeven more slowly and sometimes takes ridiculously long to shut down just tospite me.

There will come a timewhen I have to retire my Pavilion g series. It will be a sad day when thathappens. We have woven many metaphors together and, notwithstanding ourconstant bickering, we are uncommonly fond of one another.

Of course, there is always the possibility that the old girl will beat the odds to outlive me and have the last laugh before she succumbs to digital senility.

~ NowAvailable Online from Amazon, Chapters Indigo or Barnes & Noble: HuntingMuskie, Rites of Passage – Stories by Michael Robert Dyet

~ Michael Robert Dyet is alsothe author of Until the Deep Water Stills – An Internet-enhanced Novel whichwas a double winner in the Reader Views Literary Awards 2009. Visit Michael’swebsite at www.mdyetmetaphor.com .

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