The Sacrificial Chip

Or

The Quirks & OCD Obsessions Of An Everyday Vampire

I know I’ve spoken before about the obsessive-compulsive quirks that make up a large part of the vampire personality, but what exactly do they look like? Traditionally, it’s things like having to pick up every single seed that some careless (or devious) human has either filled your coffin with, or scattered all around your coffin. Or it’s something as socially awkward as needing to be invited in. The first one doesn’t apply to me for obvious reasons (no coffin, plus the welcome advent of really good vacuum cleaners). The second one… Okay, you’ve got me there. I do need to be invited in when I visit someone for the first time. But to me, it’s just common decency. So what are the little quirks of an everyday vampire?

Read on…

Getting dressed – layer by layer. And by this, I mean putting on all my underwear first (plus socks) then top/ T-shirt and whatever I’m wearing on the bottom, usually not a skirt) and finally, top-top layer – either a jumper, cardigan, or hoody. Apparently, this is weird. Apparently, “normal” people put on socks/pants/trousers first then vest/shirt (I’m trying to be gender-generic here). Or the other way around. Not me. I heard somebody saying that they’d been called weird because (like me) they got dressed layer by layer. Really? So, you’re telling me that the normal way is to get all of your top stuff on or all of your bottom stuff on first? Who are these people? What happens if there’s a knock at the door? Do you go down and greet the postman by flashing him because half your bits are hanging out? And if this is the case, which bits do you choose to flash with? And which are you least likely to get arrested for?

Stacking the dishwasher – I know a lot of humans that have a hangup about this one. With me, the focus is on the cutlery. Every dishwasher I’ve ever come across has his cute little basket thing that sits right in the middle of the bottom rack, specifically for cutlery. Sometimes, the basket has a grid allowing you to place individual items, or sometimes it’s just divided into four little sections. For me, I have to have cutlery in a certain way. It drives me spare when I see knives and forks and spoons all jumbled together. This is the proper, correct and only way to do it. All spoons, no matter what size or function, go on the left hand side. Knives and forks (i.e. stabby things) go on the right hand side. Ideally, you want the forks to be grouped together, the knives to be grouped together, and the spoons to be grouped according to size (teaspoon, dessertspoon, tablespoon). Is this a step too far? Let me know in the comments!

The sacrificial chip – this is a long-standing tradition when I’m cooking. When I put chips (fries) in the oven, I always find that no matter how well regulated the oven temperature is, there will always be some that cook quicker than the others. Now, I know that if I leave these little blighters in for the full time (i.e. until all the chips are ready), they will be burnt to a cinder. My solution is quite simple – as soon as these little tiddly chips become ready, I whip them out and eat them on the spot. These are the chips that have selflessly given themselves for the Greater Good. These, ladies and gentlemen, are the sacrificial chips. And they’re blooming tasty too! Try it next time, you will not regret it.

Baked beans on toast – This has to be done in a very particular way – the (cool, but not cold) toast has been (dairy-free) buttered, one slice slightly overlapping the other. Then, and only then, can the beans be poured on top. The idea is that you have this nice dry crispy buttery bit that’s still lurking there once the rest of the toast has gone soggy.

Getting ready to go out – and by this, I don’t mean “Yay, I’m going on a big night out. Party!” No, I mean simply leaving the house. I have a little routine that I have to go through to ensure that I get out of the house in something under half an hour. It’s simply this – keys, cash, communicator. It’s quite straightforward: I check to make sure that I have on me my keys, my purse, and my phone. Of course, recently this phrase has extended by one item to become keys, cash, communicator, cover (cover = facemask, but I wanted to keep it punchy).

Eating a baguette – I just realise that a lot of my OCD relates to food. I think that says more about me than about the food. Anyway, the baguette… The cut has to be on the right hand side. For some reason, I cannot eat the baguette if the cut is on the left hand side. I remember once accidentally starting it on the left hand side and panicking, saying “I’m eating it upside down! It’s the wrong way ’round!” At which, the hubster stared at me in disbelief.

Oh, and cutlery has to match.

And I also have a teaspoon that I deem to be evil and won’t use.

I know humans have routines and habits too. its not exclusively a vampire thing. So, how about you? Do you have any quirks or foibles? Let me know in the comments!

Want to read more of my ramblings? Apparently, these are free if you have something called Kindle Unlimited. Even without, they’re still way cheaper than one of those fancy cups of coffee…

For anyone wanting to read all my rants in one place – including all-new exclusive stuff, then click below!

Volume 1 of my diary – why not start at the very beginning?

Volume 2 – more rants, musings and fairly useful advice

Volume 3 – things are afoot! The thot plickens…

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