Accepting Mirrors and Running Away from Photos

After years of avoiding mirrors and facing them, now photos turn into a nightmare.

Image Credits: tripzilla.in

I never knew I was grappling with body image issues and dysmorphia until it accidentally came up in a discussion with a therapist last year. It was eye-opening and I’ve been making strides ever since. Today, when I look at my reflection in a mirror, I don’t instinctually go on a rant about how certain parts look disproportionate to the rest of my body. But photos and cameras are a completely different story.

Photos are very public for some reason. You feel very self aware while they’re being taken and you know others will see it after it’s done. You’ll never find a single selfie of mine on my phone. It’s because whenever I take one, I go back and delete it after staring at it for too long, assured that I look horrible. It’s confusing when you feel pretty in a mirror but feel uncomfortable looking at a similar reflection on the selfie camera. Is it because of the knowledge that someone else might see it? Or is it that my reflection is temporary but my photo will stay around longer? It’ll remind me of everything that went wrong in that moment while the mirror keeps the moment a secret that only the both of you know.

The secrecy of the reflection

There is always the knowledge that I own my reflection in the mirror. I can look at it, I can appreciate the woman there. I know no one else will see me in this moment, as I see it. It’s a personal moment — a secret. When I move away from it, I know that this portrait of me will be gone. It is transient and I love the temporariness and control I have over how I get to show myself in that moment.

But a photo of myself will always be available for many more pairs of eyes to view and think about. And the lesser the things to focus on, the more they focus on me. They’ll probably see how I have a tight smile and how that smile is toothy. How my body is awkward or how my hair looks ridiculous.

I can rarely be myself in photos where I’m on my own and that just makes this representation of myself ten times worse. The person in that photo is a stranger and I’m hit with this sudden realization that that is not the person I know from the mirror.

Am I OK about this dual perception? No…

So which perception of myself do I believe? The reflection that only I know of or the one that everyone sees in photos? I don’t like the tight-smiled, tense person I see in photos and this conundrum makes recovery from body dysmorphia tougher.

… but will I work on it? Yes.

Also, how do I deal with it? While I avoided taking solo pictures altogether, now I go ahead and do it anyway with the full knowledge that I’ll get it deleted later. My selfies spend a few minutes in my gallery before they end up in the trash. I grab someone or something in any situation involving a photo of myself being taken. And I suppose I will keep doing this until I get more comfortable with self portraits on my phone just the way I eventually faced the mirror head-on. After all, this is a journey and a journey never happens until you start moving forward.

Accepting Mirrors and Running Away from Photos was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.