I Am Not Well, Mentally

I think I can manage it, as long as I keep reminding myself about itPhoto by Anthony Tran on Unsplash

A couple of weeks back, I was miserable. I could barely hold my tears in. I wanted to cry and put it all out. I wanted to scream and let it all out. I wanted to lay back on the couch, close my eyes and not think, at all. I wanted to intoxicate myself so that I could calm my nerves. My cheekbones had started to hurt, keeping it all inside.

Honestly, there was no good reason for me to feel that way.

It was a beautiful day out, warm, not windy and partly sunny. My husband and I had planned to visit the Cliffs of Moher, a popular tourist destination in Ireland, a couple of hours drive from where we live. My husband and I both were very excited and hopeful that the weather is calm and pleasant, which is otherwise harsh, rainy and windy on the eastern edge of Atlantic waters.

Cliffs of Moher, Ireland. Photo by Jarek Skowron on Unsplash

All was good until Saturday evening when it all started to get into my head. I was cooking dinner for the night and was engaged in a random conversation with my husband when he said something about buying a PlayStation and that was it. I am not sure what happened to me. In a moment, I went on from being excited, happy to being outrageous, uncalm and unhappy. One thought led to another and soon, anxiety had taken over me.

I kept thinking he has everything else on his mind but me.

On the next day, I was silent throughout our ride to the Cliffs, my husband was not very pleased too. He was upset, I could tell. I had ruined the trip for him and there was no way I could make it better without letting it all out. I felt even worse, more guilty for snapping out the previous night on him and for mudding the settled waters. When we reached the Cliffs, nature’s serenity helped both of us feel a little better and for a few hours we focused on how beautiful the ocean looked. We could see the horizon and sat on the Cliffs for a while, thinking how amazing a sunset would look from there.

I had the most amazing man, sitting beside me, doing everything he can to make me happy, to give me comfort and to make me feel loved but there I was, doubting him, questioning him and making him feel worse for doing everything he was, for me. I knew this all along. I know him. I know that he loves me, a lot. He cares for me. He is not very expressive but I know, in there, in his heart, he has a lot of love, respect and attachment for me.

Why then, am I not convinced of his truth, genuineness and his innocence?Why then, do I fail to see his love, his efforts towards the relationship?Why then, do I keep seeking validations, reassurances from him?

Honestly, I don’t know.

I had it all out when we returned home. I blamed him, I poured my anger on him. I told him he was not doing enough. I ranted my fears, my what ifs, my insecurities. He sat there, looking at me, feeling very hurt, disappointed and confused. He didn’t say a word until I was done. When I finally stopped speaking (rather crying in despair), he came to me and gave me a very warm, intimate hug. He said, let’s talk. He kept his arms around me the whole time we talked. He told me he can’t stand me crying and seeing me cry pisses him off more than anything else. He gave me explanations. He gave me validations. He told me he loves me.

I felt a lot better afterwards.

Photo by M. on Unsplash

I apologized like I always do, but while I was lying on my bed that night, trying to sleep peacefully, I thought — this can’t happen over and over again. I was trying to make sense of what had got on to me and why I behaved so rashly, so wildly and so emotionally!

What is with the sudden drift of emotions?What is it about building extreme scenarios in my head?

Not only did it put a strain on the health of my relationship but it made me tremendously sick, mentally. I was exhausted. My brain needed to catch a break, so badly! I realized I was creating chaos for myself and I was deliberately hurting my own relationship. I sensed that something must be wrong with me. I thought about whether I should seek help. I wondered if this is just the start to a greater mess. What if I ruin everything? What if my husband regrets his decision to be with me, as this is just the beginning of our life together and I am already being so hard to deal with?

In my head, I tried hard to justify myself. I kept failing. In fact, as I was getting back to my senses, I realized how useless the whole event was. Insecurity and anxiety are very common, but what is not common is lashing out, not being able to keep it inside you, to experience an outburst of unhealthy emotions and feeling the need to talk to someone right there to get past it.

As hard as it may be, I have to acknowledge that I am not mentally healthy. I have been reading a lot about it and I am only more sure about my illness. This was not a sole incident. I have experienced a similar situation in the past as well, once with my friend and once with my sister. I know those who love me will always understand me and forgive me, but do they really deserve such behavior from me?

It’s not you, it’s me

But how long can it keep going?

I will seek professional help once I can afford it, but for now, I have to work to control my thoughts and exercise my mind. I am sure I can work on it myself, bit by bit. In comparison to the fictional fears which I let reside in my head, the fears of mental illness taking over me are far more real, genuine and demand my attention at the earliest.

A good start is journaling your emotions — I have tried this in the past but very inconsistently. I have started again. I hope it really works and the next time I get such an anxiety attack, I can realize I am getting one so that I can try to control myself accordingly and seek help if needed. This way, I can be in constant touch with my emotions which will help me look after myself.

I Am Not Well, Mentally was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.