Thoughts.

Thursday 12 of September 2019

I’ve been having the worst luck with pencils. Anyway.

Sometimes, a lot of the time, we can be aware of something that’s in our way, aware of what’s mentally blocking us from moving forward, achieving our goals, whatever, and still not be able to push those blocks aside.

It’s not that the blocks are insurmountable, because usually they aren’t, it’s more they’re too ingrained. They’re like a fungus that has built a root system inside, pulling it out when it’s in so deep would be like pulling out a kidney. Yes, you can live without one, but the removal is still going to cause problems.

My current problem is procrastination caused by depression caused by a desire for perfection. More than that, this desire for perfection is being caused by attachments to the idea of success and the fear of the inevitability of failure. Got all that?

I want the things I create to be perfect. If they are perfect, they will be a success. If they are a success, I will be a success. If I’m a success, my life will be perfect. And round and round it goes. Perfection, however seems impossible, which leads to disappointment and failure. What’s the point in trying? Result, I do nothing.

So, I know my blocks, but can I move them?

The trick is to not aim for perfection but completion. The trick is to just do the best that I can do. What I can imagine is not always going to be reality, but that’s a good thing, it gives room for surprise, discovery, invention. But, why is it the closer I get to finishing a project, the less interest I have in finishing it?

I would say, I’m about 80 to 90 pages away from finishing the first draft of my second book. I know, near enough, what I want to write, so writers block is not an issue. I have few ideas of how I want to end it, so why have I stalled? It should be “I see the finish line, full steam ahead!” But, instead, its “What’s the point? Why am I doing this? Do I really think this is going to change my life? The first book didn’t, why bother again?”

The trick with this block is to remember the mission statement from when I first started writing the book. Remember the things I wanted to say, the ideas I wanted to share, the things I wanted to change.

But, the problem with that is, I don’t believe. I don’t believe my voice is valid, that my opinions matter, that I can change or influence anything. At least, not right now.

An irrational fear is the ego trying to protect you from something it perceives as dangerous. In actuality, it’s a sign that the ego has developed a fault and needs reprogramming. How do I reprogram myself?

Do I concentrate on removing these blocks and re-centring my life? Or, do I try to force myself to finish the book?

Are all these fears that are coming up things I should take the time to deal with first, or are they distraction I need to ignore so I can finish? Can I do both at the same time? Can I work through my blocks and finish draft one? Any ideas? Thought? Queries?

‘The Murder of Miss O’ a novella, available now, from booky places.