“It Just Happened!” OR “I Made a Choice.”
“It just happened!” How many times did I say this after looking at porn? How many times have I heard other guys say the same thing or something similar? “It’s not like I planned it?” “I mean, I was all alone and the temptation was so strong. It was more than I could resist.” “Well, my wife ignores me and she is not meeting my needs, and that left me in a bad place.”
Of course I did not sit down and rationally think it all through. This had become my routine, my pattern. I would tell myself that I wanted to change, that I was never going to look at porn again and then a trigger would come along and before I knew it I had spent an hour looking for porn on the Internet.
Just now when I typed these words into Google “it just happened excuses” I found more than one post related to cheating. James M Sama wrote:
‘Many phases happen before the cheating actually happens. You meet, you introduce yourself, you flirt, you get a drink, you flirt some more, you escalate your physical closeness, someone offers to go somewhere, someone accepts…and that’s before you even take any of your clothes off. You have multiple chances along the way to say “No thanks, I’m with someone.” Cheating does not “just happen.”
I’m not proud to say that I was 50 years old before I finally declared the buck stops here and took responsibility for my actions. And this did not happen overnight. My actions had become so deeply engraved into my patterns of behavior that it really felt like I had no control over the situation.
When I began taking the free course on Recovery Nation, I ran across something Jon Marsh wrote. He said if I were in the middle of looking at porn on my computer and heard someone approaching the room, I would quickly close out that page and navigate to another site. I had no trouble taking control of a situation under those circumstances. Why then, when I was all alone and imagined nobody would find out, did I believe it was impossible to resist the urge to go take a peek?
The same thing is true regarding anger. I had trouble controlling my temper as a child. I thought that as I grew and matured I was getting better. But after I got married and had kids, I would explode at our children for their misbehavior or defiance. I could feel my blood starting to boil and my tongue would take over from there. When my wife confronted me regarding my behavior, I just made excuses. “Sure, I don’t want to get mad and shout at our kids. It’s not like I planned to lash out at them.” She challenged me to plan ahead and think about how I should react in those kinds of situations and work out a strategy of how to handle things better next time.
Another example I think all of us can identify with is when two people are in the middle of a heated argument, and then company arrives. Most likely they will act as if everything is normal and nothing is wrong.
If I do actually have the capacity to control my actions in these situations, the truth is that I am always in charge. I am responsible for my actions. I wasn’t forced to yell at the kids and nobody held a gun to my head and compelled me to search for pornography on the Internet. I decided to do it. Which means that today I can choose NOT to do it.
As a person who believes in the God who created the world and made each one of us, I believe what the Bible says – “with Him all things are possible” (Matthew 19:26). I believe nothing is impossible for God (Luke 1:37). If I’ve been making all sorts of mistakes, who’s to blame? It’s that guy in the mirror! I have no one to blame but myself. If a bird made a nest on top of my head, at a minimum I allowed it to happen. I could have chased it away. Likewise anything I allow to dwell in my thoughts was a choice. I could have pushed those thoughts out. If I coddled the thoughts and nourished them it’s because I chose to, that was my decision.
Saying that “I am to blame” may sound bad or discouraging but in many ways I think it is the best news possible. It means that I am not a victim. I’m not at the mercy of external forces which obligate me to continue doing what I can see is harmful to me and others.
As a “free agent’ I can cry out for help. I can plan out how I will deal with the next temptation when it rear’s its ugly head. After facing temptations for over 30 years I have seen it all before. So rather than throw up my hands and say I’ll end up caving in the end so I might as well just do it now, I can come up with an exit plan.
Every small slip or failure along the way is simply part of the learning process. I can learn and I will learn. The Lord is with me. He has always been ready and willing to help me. So I will ask Him for help. I will reach out to others who have already battled these temptations and come out on top. And I will work out a new strategy and then implement this strategy because I am tired of making lame excuses and seeing myself as a failure.
Yes. I have a choice. I made many bad choices in the past. But today is a new day. I will live one day at a time. And (with help from the Lord) I will make this day a good day, a blessed day, a day lived in the light, a day with no regrets. That’s not something that “just happens” but it can happen.
The choice is mine and the choice is yours. So . . . what will you choose?
Learn more about following Jesus and strategies for a new life in the book: Jesus Is Better Than Porn
This photo of the dog is funny. What’s not funny is when your life or my life look like this.
