Normalizing Trauma as a Writer Almost Made Me Want to Quit Writing

Is it the new normal, or has it become overly toxic?

Diane Nguyen from the Netflix series Bojack Horseman

In my last article on CRY, I expressed not conforming to straight-up positivity while sharing my adoption story. I shared a little bit about feeling happy that I could share a story that wasn’t so great.

While it’s okay to share a story to give others hope on how things will get better, it’s not okay to become so negative about other experiences. I’m known to write about how I feel, but it became clear that my mental health was taking a toll when sharing my trauma. I’ve felt heightened anxiety, depression, lack of sleep, irritability, restlessness, overthinking, neglecting self-care, isolating myself from my loved ones, impatience, burnout, disinterest in activities I once enjoyed, and low self-esteem. I wondered then if writing about my traumas would even be worth it in the end.

I recently rewatched some episodes of Bojack Horseman on Netflix, and there are several great themes and emotions that I can relate to. While I’d love to dive in about everything I adore about this show, I want to stay on one key element that happens with the writer, Diane Nguyen.

In the final season, in an episode called Good Damage, she writes an autobiography about her life and the traumas she’s gone through. She goes through several attempts to write her story but is stopped by writer’s block and multiple daydreams. First, she talks to another main character, Princess Carolyn, about her book about “Good Trauma.” She later talks to her boyfriend, Guy, about how being on medication prevents her from writing her book. She then realizes that she’s enjoying more about writing a young adult book rather than her trauma.

One of the quotes that have stuck out to me was this: “If I don’t write my book of essays now, that means all the damage I got, isn’t good damage. It’s just damage. I have gotten nothing out of it, and all of those years, I was miserable for nothing.”

Life is way too short to remain miserable and to keep dwelling on your past. While writing about your story can be part of the healing process as a writer, it shouldn’t consume you as a person. I almost wanted to stop writing for the public overall because I was becoming more consumed by trauma. It was like writing stopped becoming my saving grace and more like drowning in my sorrows. I was dreading the writing process and becoming less of an efficient writer. It felt as if nothing I was writing was any good because I wanted to give up so easily and didn’t want everyone to see how shaken up I was. The pressure from my day job carried onto my writing, and I felt even more anxious and depressed, and that wasn’t the person I wanted to be every day.

Even horrible memories of my past took effect and were showing in my writing, and I knew I was normalizing trauma. Like Diane, I wanted to write about the bad things that happened in my life to show others they weren’t alone. But as I tried to write about my traumas, it did more harm than good on my end. Trauma became something I tried so hard to write about and to make something great from damage.

Sadly, normalizing trauma was becoming more common for me, and I was letting that show to the public. Not saying that I should stay positive all of the time; that isn’t realistic. Maybe I should focus much more on what I enjoy writing about and focus even less on my traumas. I enjoy writing about poetry, short, sweet stories, and articles that make you feel good. Today's world has enough going on, and this writer chooses to focus more on what makes her happy.

Normalizing Trauma as a Writer Almost Made Me Want to Quit Writing was originally published in CRY Magazine on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.