Keep Climbing That Mountain

There are good days and hard days. Days that I feel full of life and ready to embrace the day. And then, there are hard days. Days that, no matter what I do, no matter how good things may be in terms of physical health, my relationship with my family and my job, I simply feel… empty. And then depression kicks me in the a$$ once more and I don’t know what to do.

It’s hard, you know… Ever since I can remember myself, I was always trying to be worthy of everyone. To be worthy of everyone’s love and friendship, everyone’s admiration and trust. I was always trying to do everything perfect, to never let anyone down.

Let me just tell you that: IT’S F&*%$# HARD!

I honestly can’t remember the last time I didn’t put pressure on me, simply because… That’s just how I learnt to do things. I can’t remember when it was the last time I simply… was.

I know I’m not caring the weight of the world on my shoulders, but sometimes, it just feels like I do. And because I’ve learnt to think that crying makes you seem weak, I only cry when I’m alone.

My psychologist says to feel everything, to not lock things away. She says it’s better to acknowledge that you feel a certain emotion, to fully embrace that and learn how to cope with it, than lock it away, pretending it doesn’t exist.

I try to do so, I really do. It’s just that, like I said, there are good days and hard ones. And some of then are harder than others. And all I wanna do is just lay there if I fall. But then I feel this tingling all over my body, I hear this voice inside my head that says Keep going, and I know I’m still strong enough.

Or at least, I wanna believe I’m strong enough. The alternative simply scares the shit out of me.

It’s actually a good thing I read A Court of Silver Flames with my friend Eleana last week. You know a full-length, full of spoilers review will be posted here, but just let me tell you these two things first.

There’s this new character being introduced in this book, Gwyn. Eleana reminds me of Gwyn. Of her inner peace and inner strength. Of her wisdom and pure heart. Of her kindness and bravery, compassion and love.

I feel happy that Nesta got to meet Gwyn. Because I have my own Gwyn, my little sunshine, Eleana, in my life and I treasure every single conversation we’ve had till today. It’s like I’ve said before; it doesn’t matter how long you know a person. Some people come into your life the exact moment they need to. And you magically connect. Just like Eleana and I magically connected.

Just like her inner strength and peace helped me seek out mine. In the book, there’s this mind-stilling exercise Nest does. Breathing in for a count of six. Holding that breath for a few seconds. Then breathing out for another count of six. She does that ten times. If she loses count, she starts again.

I’ve been doing this for the past week or so. You have no idea how liberating this whole process is. My mind goes silent and I simply love it. No dark thoughts. No voices whispering to me that I’m not goo enough. No trouble getting to sleep.

I’m not saying it’s easy. I need to fully focus on that and when I’m in a bad day, this exercise gets almost impossible. But I keep trying. I keep climbing that mountain.

It may be hard, excruciating at times, but I keep doing it. Because this is what gives me strength to win the hard days. To kick my depression right back in her a$$!

Keep climbing your mountain, too, awesome nerds.

Thank you all so very much for stopping by once more. It honestly means the world to me and I want you to know that I most certainly don’t take your presence here for granted.

Have a wonderful weekend, dearies.

Till next time… Toodles!