On two weeks later.
I left Cape Coral, Florida in the morning on Friday, March 12th. Dad and I drove straight through and made it back to New Jersey after 5 AM on Saturday. I went back to work on Monday. But nothing feels right, and nothing feels real.
My colleagues were so loving and supportive, but every time someone asked me how I was doing or if I was okay, I’d be brought to tears. I can’t stop thinking about Maddie and I’m not sleeping well. I have no motivation to do anything work-related, and I know it’s my “regular” depression exacerbated by everything going on with my perfect, precious niece. But it’s like this constant fog. And my mind goes from being angry to being sad to being hopeful, and the whole cycle starts again.
I’m considering taking a leave from work. To be perfectly honest, I’m no good to anyone in the building right now. But I must say that my students have been completely wonderful. They did make Tuesday seem easier. They still make me laugh and I’m in awe of their ability to analyze what we’re currently studying. I’m hoping it will get easier as time goes on. I think it will.
I emailed my editor and she was really sweet and patient and kind. She told me to take my time. I think revising my manuscript would be a good distraction, but I’m having a really difficult time focusing. Even trying to finish this blog post is proving to be a challenge.
Maddie is going to have a tracheostomy. She may also need surgery for a feeding tube and both procedures could happen sooner than I assumed they would.
Full disclosure: I’m just trying to get back to Florida. Even my plans for Ireland are somewhat up in the air, but I would like to sell my house as soon as possible.
This post is sporadic, and not related to my writing career, but it’s an update nonetheless. Thanks for reading and being patient with me.
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