On trying to make a return.
Well, hello there, readers. It’s been some time.
Please forgive me if this blog post is rambling. I didn’t sleep well last night. It was a restless, fitful sleep punctuated by cracks of lightning and booming thunder. And I’d be a foolish liar if I didn’t admit that my anxiety and depression, exacerbated by the consequences of Maddie’s tragic accident, were culprits as well.
I’m trying really hard to return to life in New Jersey. I’m having more difficulty doing that than I imagined. Maddie’s still always on my mind. I try not to talk about her too much because it’s depressing and there are so many unknowns, so many fears, and I don’t want to become a Debbie Downer. I don’t want to be sad all the time.
But Maddie had an appointment with her neurologist recently, and those appointments are stark reminders of the severity and seriousness of her injury. I try to keep the updates hopeful on social media, but the truth is that Maddie could not get any better than she is now. Maddie could even die. There’s so much about the brain and brain injuries that is unknown and it is those unknowns that prevent those closest to Maddie from returning to full normalcy.
But my goal is for just a little bit of normalcy. To that extent, my friends and colleagues have been remarkably amazing. They’ve helped me become social again and are patient listeners. I’ve started taking care of myself again; I’m washing my face and wearing makeup. I’m not eating pounds of food and crying all the time.
And I’m making plans for the future. I accepted my accommodation offer for the University of Limerick and plan on moving in around August 29th. I try to imagine myself enjoying the sight of the Shannon River for the first time, having tea in my common room with new roommates, laughing with new friends, studying with new literature, and being happy. But I can’t help feeling selfish and guilty because Maddie is still recovering. I know her recovery will take years and will be a difficult, uphill battle and that there is only so much I can do, but balancing these conflicting emotions is a tall order.
I’m trying. I’m trying to make it back. And so is Maddie.
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