Using Contracts With Your Teens To Establish Shared Expectations
In a recent webinar, I talked with parents about the importance of utilizing contracts with their teens. The idea is to enter into an agreement with them when the normal bargaining process has hit a standstill.
Deadlocked with both sides staunchly set in defense of their own points-of-view.
Schools have employed student contracts for years. Honor Codes, Attendance Agreements, Homework Policies. These all exist as ways to outline expectations for our kids to agree to so they understand that in every facet of their life’s journey, they will be given a set of parameters by which they are expected to adhere:
· Job description
· Lease agreement
· Marriage
· Buying a car
And, while most teachers and parents employ contracts for the here and now—using it as a ceasefire from the verbal slings and arrows that are often exchanged by both sides—it is a way to embed a life skill into the fibers of your student’s being to send them out into the world with knowledge on how to be mindful of what they need to accomplish to achieve success.
It should be written as a point of collaboration between everyone involved. Contracts are best served when our kids have input. They are far more likely to buy into expectations if they know that their own ideas, thoughts, and feelings are taken into consideration. And, we want them to feel that sense of ownership—that is how we draw them into making meaningful changes.
It shouldn’t be too long. We want our kids to be successful at meeting the expectations outlined in a contract. So, stick to the specific behavior you are seeking to modify with it. If it is about your student’s engagement in online learning, focus on that. Don’t stray to how they should treat their sibling or chores that you want them to help with. Be direct—you want them to:
a. wake up on time for classes
b. log-into all subjects
c. not accumulate any absences unless preapproved by yourself (or another family member)
d. check-in weekly, as a family, with their homeroom teacher to track progress; etc.
Be mindful of the time allotment. If you are facing a triage situation, make it a weekly contract that can be amended from one Sunday to the next based upon progress. If the contract is being created out of the desire for longer-term goals, then perhaps set it for a month, or a quarter, with predetermined dates to check-in on momentum and wins, or frank reminders on what you both agreed upon.
Everyone involved should sign and date it. This is an official agreement that you are drafting. Treat it seriously if you want your teen to.
The goal of any contract is to see meaningful and impactful change. This will come, over time, so be sure to celebrate the successes along the way. Be keenly aware of efforts made by your teen to meet its expectations, but also, hold them accountable. If you see them in violation of a contractual agreement, talk about it.
I’ve created a contract template to help you get started. Sign up now for your free download….
