Warnings that Came too Late

In today's Guardian, the veteran theatre critic, Michael Billington, writes a guide on how to spot 'second-rate theatre'. He gives his own 'list of contemporary signs...that audiences are in for a rough evening'.

In case you're curious, number one is:

'Any play in which a character aggressively masturbates within two feet of the front row.'

I'll try to remember that. And number ten (though it should be number two) is:

'Any play in which defectation is used to cover up dramatic defects.'

I can imagine whispered conversations in the stalls between Guardian-reading couples:

She: Is that man doing what I think he's doing?

He: Not only that. He's using it to cover up blatant dramatic defects. I think we're in for a rough evening.