When Writing Hurts
From childhood most of us are taught and trained not to hurt the feelings of others. The saying: sticks and stones might break my bones, but words will never harm me, is not true. Every child knows that.
As adults we can honestly say that even with good intentions to never hurt anyone -- we do. We all know the sting of words. But we also know the healing power of them. And we know that the written word is particularly powerful.
Sometimes we must confront, confess, and reveal, and despite every precaution to hurt we can wind up hurting someone. So whose problem is it if someone gets hurt because of our words? No one really escapes culpability despite the best of intentions. But this fear of hurting someone is fatal to a writer.
Take it one step further. You desire to write your memoir. You have lessons to pay forward; you have memories to share; you have secrets to get off your chest in order to heal. But I ask you: are you not writing because your decision is based upon the fear of not taking the courageous stand to speak your mind about you own life? Memoirs, just like the act of living itself, demands courage, integrity, dignity, and moving on.
When I wrote my memoir, The Breath of Dawn, I had every good wish for my friends because they had helped me recover from a stroke and had supplied me with great love and devotion for whatever I needed during the entire process from hospitalization to rehabilitation to home. I had every intention of praising them and even mentioned outright what angels all my friends were. I was so excited to write a positive book about the help they gave me that I sent each of them a copy with a heart filled with joy.
Nevertheless, I had one dear dear dear friend who mentioned how hurt she was. She thought I had portrayed her in a bad light. I was stunned and thrown off balance. I had not one cell in my body that wanted to cause her pain. Instead I wanted everyone to feel the special person that she was.
My point is that even in the best of circumstances people will read your memoir from their own perspective. There is no way to circumvent that. If you want to write your memoir and you absolutely for certain know that someone will be offended, just mention in your sentences that your honesty is not meant to hurt anyone. And study your words before printing. If in all honesty your words slander and you have the intention to get even, get back at, or make publicly known something someone did -- then you reap what you sow. Change your words if they do not match your intention.
Introductions to memoirs are a great place to state your intention for writing what others are about to read. Preface the purpose of the book. Then write what you want to write.
Readers learn from memoirs. We not only enjoy reading about the lives of others, we need it. Memoirs give us examples of how to live and allow us to re-think our own thoughts and actions. Often people who wind up with hurt feelings eventually come through to their own healing because of it. Often good comes from honesty that stings.
There are many ways to heal and overcome hurt feelings. Trying to prevent hurt feelings is living in fear of an outcome that didn't happen yet. This is dangerous to any healthy person let alone someone who needs to write something to heal from the inside out.
If fear is what is tripping you up from writing your memoir, here are a few suggestions that I've heard other authors do:
1. talk to the person suspected of getting hurt about the book first, or
2. allow the person to read it before printing and let them suggest changes that might be made in order for them to feel better, or
3. promise the real name of the person won't be revealed, or
4. omit the painful part if it wasn't crucial to the purpose of the book.
I'm sure you can come up with other solutions but those are some of the few I've heard when I attended book signings by authors who had problems with writing their memoirs.
Go pick up your pen -- your life is worth telling. You just might have learned a lesson we all need to hear.
Until next time,
Jan
www.JanMarquart.com
As adults we can honestly say that even with good intentions to never hurt anyone -- we do. We all know the sting of words. But we also know the healing power of them. And we know that the written word is particularly powerful.
Sometimes we must confront, confess, and reveal, and despite every precaution to hurt we can wind up hurting someone. So whose problem is it if someone gets hurt because of our words? No one really escapes culpability despite the best of intentions. But this fear of hurting someone is fatal to a writer.
Take it one step further. You desire to write your memoir. You have lessons to pay forward; you have memories to share; you have secrets to get off your chest in order to heal. But I ask you: are you not writing because your decision is based upon the fear of not taking the courageous stand to speak your mind about you own life? Memoirs, just like the act of living itself, demands courage, integrity, dignity, and moving on.
When I wrote my memoir, The Breath of Dawn, I had every good wish for my friends because they had helped me recover from a stroke and had supplied me with great love and devotion for whatever I needed during the entire process from hospitalization to rehabilitation to home. I had every intention of praising them and even mentioned outright what angels all my friends were. I was so excited to write a positive book about the help they gave me that I sent each of them a copy with a heart filled with joy.
Nevertheless, I had one dear dear dear friend who mentioned how hurt she was. She thought I had portrayed her in a bad light. I was stunned and thrown off balance. I had not one cell in my body that wanted to cause her pain. Instead I wanted everyone to feel the special person that she was.
My point is that even in the best of circumstances people will read your memoir from their own perspective. There is no way to circumvent that. If you want to write your memoir and you absolutely for certain know that someone will be offended, just mention in your sentences that your honesty is not meant to hurt anyone. And study your words before printing. If in all honesty your words slander and you have the intention to get even, get back at, or make publicly known something someone did -- then you reap what you sow. Change your words if they do not match your intention.
Introductions to memoirs are a great place to state your intention for writing what others are about to read. Preface the purpose of the book. Then write what you want to write.
Readers learn from memoirs. We not only enjoy reading about the lives of others, we need it. Memoirs give us examples of how to live and allow us to re-think our own thoughts and actions. Often people who wind up with hurt feelings eventually come through to their own healing because of it. Often good comes from honesty that stings.
There are many ways to heal and overcome hurt feelings. Trying to prevent hurt feelings is living in fear of an outcome that didn't happen yet. This is dangerous to any healthy person let alone someone who needs to write something to heal from the inside out.
If fear is what is tripping you up from writing your memoir, here are a few suggestions that I've heard other authors do:
1. talk to the person suspected of getting hurt about the book first, or
2. allow the person to read it before printing and let them suggest changes that might be made in order for them to feel better, or
3. promise the real name of the person won't be revealed, or
4. omit the painful part if it wasn't crucial to the purpose of the book.
I'm sure you can come up with other solutions but those are some of the few I've heard when I attended book signings by authors who had problems with writing their memoirs.
Go pick up your pen -- your life is worth telling. You just might have learned a lesson we all need to hear.
Until next time,
Jan
www.JanMarquart.com
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