Aspirational Me

Me: …so, yeah, I’m still having a really hard time reading I Think I Might Be Autistic. I don’t know why. It’s giving me so much good information. It’s telling me things I need to know and confirming things I already suspected. But it’s rough going.

Me: I mean, let’s face it – being autistic is not exactly aspirational.

Me: When was the last time someone said “I think so-and-so might be autistic” and then followed it up with a compliment?

Me: Last month I heard two separate comedians say on two separate comedy podcasts, “I think this guy must be on the spectrum.”

Me: One of them was saying what an idiot someone was; the other was describing a movie where a character didn’t display emotions appropriate to the situation.

Me: Oh, hey – let’s not forget all the advice-column letters where the it’s-always-a-woman is writing in about her problematic it’s-always-a-guy significant other. “He may be on the spectrum.”

Me: Why? Is he disciplined? A hard worker? Compulsively honest?

Me: Oh. No.

Me: He never seems to understand how she feels.

Me: Funny how those good qualities are things anyone could have, but if some guy’s an insensitive lout – boom. Must be on the spectrum.

Me: Because neurotypical dudes are never oblivious to the welfare of those around them.

Me: And autistic people as a group have no discernable good qualities.

Me: And of course there’s all the talk about “curing” us, which is not what you say about people you think are okay.

Me: So, yeah – I guess I can understand why finishing this book and moving forward with my diagnosis is taking some time. Why I need to take some time with this.

Me: Okay. To encourage myself to keep on keeping on, I’ll post short pieces about aspects of autism on my blog. Maybe that’ll help me feel less overwhelmed. 

Me: Plus that’ll be much more enjoyable for readers than if, say, I posted a summary of the dozens of questions in that initial test early in the book.

(Ah, sweet sweet optimism, let me sip thine ambrosial nectar one last wistful time.)

The expectation:

Me: I mean, even neurotypical readers will understand that when I’m talking about just one quality a lot of autistic people tend to share, I don’t mean that you can summarize autism with that one quality.

Me: And of course the neurotypicals and other non-autistics will get that there’s probably no single quality of autism that isn’t also something plenty of other people experience, too.

Me: It’s a matter of preponderance.

Me: And intensity.

Me: Plus we’re talking almost 150 characteristics on just this one list of questions. I can’t go into all of those at once! That would be so tedious!

Me: I already mentioned in a previous post that this questionnaire goes on for almost 30 pages.

Me: Non-autistic people will understand that I’m picking and choosing so this blog will be a source of edutainment rather than the online equivalent of a ten-pound block of cement.

Me: …right?

The reality:

Comments on blog: wrong

Comments on Facebook: wrong!

Comments in frantic phone calls from friends and loved ones: WRONG

Comments from all of the above: WHY ARE YOU SAYING ONLY AUTISTIC PEOPLE DO THIS ONE THING 

Comments from same: I DO THIS THING AND I AM NOT AUTISTIC

Me: hoo boy

I sat down to write a post about impostor syndrome and how much fun it isn’t. I realized as soon as I started to type that I had too much to say for one post to even begin to cover.

So that’s what this is: the beginning.

Two days ago, I had one of my worst days in recent memory, and I say that with the year 2020 looming large as life and twice as ugly in the rearview mirror.

I am feeling beaten down by a toxic combination of impostor syndrome and the fact that I’m feeling like an impostor about something no one wants to be.

I’m not a CEO who’s worried sick someone will figure out that secretly she’s not worthy of that promotion.

I’m not a kid who just got accepted into the Ivy League but who’s convinced she’s the only one who struggles with feelings of inadequacy. “Everybody else is doing great. I know some of them say they feel like impostors sometimes, but I really am one!”

I get to feel like an impostor because if I’m not autistic, everything that’s a life-defining struggle is just me being lazy, disorganized, and frankly kind of weird.

More on Monday.