Forgiveness vs Anger

We all hold onto many hurts and grievances throughout our lives. We loath our self-centered ex-spouses who we caught cheating and lied about it. We dislike our untrustworthy relatives who we know have been constantly talking negatively about us to others and deny it when we confront them. We despise our arrogant bosses who have caused us to lose out on promotions, or possibly even to lose our jobs. And we really hate our greedy neighbours who are always borrowing our possessions and conveniently forgetting to return them. Are any of these people familiar to you, or perhaps you have personal examples of your own? We all have those people in our lives that have hurt us and continue to hurt us and that even the mention of their name, makes us cringe with anger.

Anger is that one emotion that causes us both physical and emotional pain. When we are in an angered state, our voices often get louder, our faces may become redder, and our hearts beat faster. Chronic anger raises our risk of developing mental health illnesses such as anxiety and depression. When we are in prolonged states of anger, we do not feel well physically and mentally.

When we are angry at an extended family member, for example, we either will avoid attending the family gathering and miss out on the positive social connection with our other loved ones, or we will be so consumed with worry and anxiety for much of the time leading up to the family gathering where we will be forced to have face to face contact with our unkind relative. So, what are our options for dealing with that type of situation, if neither avoidance nor feeling anxious are solutions for us?

The practice of forgiving is rarely a solution that comes immediately to our minds. In basic terms, forgiving means letting go of the built up hurt, anger, and other negative feelings towards the person who did something wrong or unjust to us. Forgiving takes time and requires us to process in many steps.

What is the first step in forgiving? Well, do not expect or wait for an apology from the person who hurt you. Chances are that person is oblivious to your feelings or just does not care. Remember your ex-husband, for example, who cheated on you and then ended up leaving you because you no longer fulfilled his needs? Your first step to forgiving him is accepting and coming to terms with the fact that forgiving him is about you and not about him. When we are finally able to acknowledge that we want to forgive, we will learn that it is a gift that we give to ourselves. Our motive for forgiving is for the purpose of helping ourselves to feel better.

The next step to forgiving is acknowledging how you are feeling. For example, if you are feeling lonely and displaced because your ex-husband left you and your marriage, then acknowledge that you are feeling heartbroken and very hurt that your whole life was turned upside down by your ex-husband’s actions of leaving.

Negative emotions such as hurt, and pain build up inside of us when we do not release them. The next step to forgiving is releasing and letting negative emotions pass naturally. When we are able to let go and release those negative feelings, we no longer block our hearts. Having an open heart allows us to feel all those positive emotions that we have not let in because they have been blocked by all of our built-up negative emotions that we have not yet released.

Releasing hurt and pain also allows us to change the narrative. For example, instead of saying my life ended when my ex left me, you now get to say that your new life began when your ex left you. You can go a step further and also now tell yourself and others that the dissolution of your marriage also revealed how strong you really are, and how much you are looking forward to finding real, true love.

I am by no means saying by forgiving someone that we are condoning their actions and behaviour. You never have to reconcile with the person who hurt you again, as that is not even a prerequisite. The trust may or may not be permanently broken, and you will need to work through whether you can ever trust that person again. By forgiving, you are no longer allowing the person who hurt you to have power over the way you feel. Releasing hurt and anger is what you do to make yourself feel better, sleep better, worry less, and feel less anxious. Feeling well and peaceful is the gift that you give yourself.
Remember, it is not your choice if someone wrongs or hurts you in life, but it is always your choice in how you deal with it. You can choose to stay angry and have bottled up negative emotions that block your heart, or you can choose to release your pain and anger and open your heart to make room for positive emotions such as peace, love, and joy. What will you choose? I know I am choosing forgiveness over anger.