Rethinking and Reworking

 About 16 years ago I released a book that some call "With a Little Faith" (the actual title) and others call it the "husband bashing guideline" because in the book I do tell the truth about what happened to my family and I at the hands of my then, now former, husband, and I am neither shy about telling the truth, nor am I regretting what I said. The truth, the real truth is, I left out more than 70% of what we truly went through and I changed his name to protect him; if I had given his real identity he could have and probably would have been dead at the hands of someone who felt that our family (and me) didn't deserve such treatment. I didn't want to be a party to that, and I certainly didn't wish that on him even if we were not friendly; even if he was in fact much worse than I explained. 

    So why then, why after 16 years am I considering rewriting the book and releasing it again under the same title, but with a disclaimer (perhaps even a full introduction) giving the reader insight to the fact that not only has my ex-husband found Christ as his personal savior, he has, over the past several years, been a good grandfather to our grandchildren, he's been a good husband to his wife of over 20 years, and he's been a better father to one of our daughters. It would be wonderful if he could get over himself and decide to be a father to both, but that ship has in fact sailed, and no amount of begging or asking for forgiveness will penetrate Laura's heart even if he were interested (which I'm told he is not) to do.  It's unfortunate, but the very good news is, that when we all get to Heaven he will be there, she will be there, they will no longer be angry at each other, and there will be peace in that valley once and for all.

    The book "With a Little Faith" was written in 2005, at a time when I was struggling as a single parent to raise three teenaged children, I think Reuben was 19, Laura was 16 and Caity was 15. Each and every one of them were going in completely different directions, living completely different types of lifestyles, and about the only two things they all had in common was that they lived with me and they were spending every last dime I had - - and then Reuben moved out of the house and continued to spend his share of my money, but at least we had a free toilet, less laundry, more milk in the house, and the house smelled more like a bunch of girls rather than one stinky farty man child who preferred to play an hour or so on the console before showering after he'd run 5 miles in the summer heat! My poor couch. (What am I saying? My poor everything! That boy stunk!)

    The book was written at a time when we (the family) resembled a hand with each of us being represented by a finger - - me, I was the index finger. I pointed out things, I was there to lead things, be first in line, and make sure things were completed.  Reuben, the middle finger -- in more ways than one, and he was the taller one, the stronger one, the forceful one, the protector, and the dictator of the family. He was in fact, the "Man of the House" and had been since he was about 11 years old.  Laura was the ring finger, the gentle one, the caring one. Did you know that the ring finger on the left hand actually has a direct vein to the heart? Laura had a direct vein to mine, she wasn't hard enough, she wasn't tough. Tough? That position belonged to Caity, the baby, the pinkie finger. Let me tell you - - that pinkie finger was used over and over again in our family as we swore to each other over and over again, that we would always tell the truth no matter how ugly it got, and it got pretty damn ugly. Caity was the pinkie.

    Every hand needs a thumb to go across the fingers when they form a fist. If the thumb doesn't cross the fist you have a hitchhiker's thumb sticking out looking for a ride - - maybe a thumbs up or a thumbs down hand, it could go either way.  Faith (the dog Faith) was our thumb.  She crossed our family and held us together in so many ways. She was in fact, how I made my income. I took the dog literally around the world to see soldiers, children, people in hospitals, convalescent homes and in corporations as well.  She was an inspiring ambassador for hope, peace, love, joy, and yes, faith.  She was in the very essence of the meaning, the reason we were a family at that time. She forced us to pay attention to her needs and in doing so we were blessed and we were able to draw meaning and hope from just her very presence. Just seeing her laying on the couch resting could bring a sense of utter peace to anyone. This dog did not fear anything. She did not fret. She did not worry. She did not wonder where she was going, how she would get there, what she was about to do, and there was not an ounce of regret in her. She was the epitome of living by faith -- we needed that.

    I wrote the book and told the truth. I included the good, I included the bad, I included the ugly. I included the truth.  I did extend my writing to ranting at times. I did overtly express my anger at why I was thrust into bankruptcy, illness without health care, and losing my job (no wait, jobs) due to my former husband and the things he did to us when we were a family, when we divorced, when I got sole custody of the girls, and afterwards. I wasn't paid any child support, I did have to scrape, struggle, fight, claw my way, and bite my tongue a 1000 times in order to stay employed no matter what was happening (ethically); I couldn't risk going under the current again. I had drown so many times. 

    Jesus walked on my waters over and over again, lifting me, hoisting me, carrying me. It was HARD people, and I let that (and those times) reflect openly in the book. I told it like it was - - and again, I could have been so much worse, but for the sake of his very life, did not tell the full story. No one would believe it anyway. The attempts on my life, the suicide by wife attempts, the throwing animals out the window of a moving car on the highway - - no, I did not tell every detail, no I did not tell every story because I had survived them - - Jesus had carried me up to His throne and I needed to hold back, so I did.

    Now, some 16 years later, I've chosen to buy another copy of the book through Amazon for (get this) $4.00 and free shipping.  I'm going to re-read it, make changes, re-release it as a 3rd edition, and hopefully sell as many copies as was sold in the 2nd and 1st editions. That would be nice. I will write out the introduction to reflect that I am no longer hoping my ex dangles over the pit of Hell to be roasted and I will possibly even thank him for his continued love and earnest support of our daughter Caity and her wonderful kids Copeland and Sailor, who absolutely love their Papa and they should. I will never take his status with them; he is a good grandpa. 

    That being said, I have decided to possibly redo the book through Palmetto Publishing rather than Xlibris, so I can upload it into Ingram Sparks. The whole matter will take a minute, and I'm not thinking it will be the first assignment on my mind or on my calendar; but it will happen.  I want to be forthcoming and honest with my readers and let them see that time does change things and if it does it should receive the benefit of the doubt. It doesn't in any way change what we went through; it doesn't make any of it go away.  What it does is show that even through the pain of life is stabbing at times, there is a healer, there is a solution; He is God. He is Christ. We only have to surrender, and all will be put into place. I only wish I had learned that lesson so many many years ago. I was just too busy raising three kids to get it fully into my head that I cannot and should not do it without Christ in the center of it all. If there was ONE thing I could get through to anyone it would be to walk WITH A LITTLE FAITH in your step and in your soul. 

Photo credit: Stephen Holman (Tulsa)