My new resolution is going okay so far

So I made this resolution. I made a decision to just relax and stop letting myself think negativity constantly, because when I do that it makes me act like an asshole.

No, really, like a massive asshole.

Not just on the internet (although fuck have I said and done some weird things on the internet) but in real life too. Real life assholery includes: road rage-screaming matches in the street road rage, verbal altercations at the grocery store, verbal altercations with randos out in the world, clashes with coworkers, cutting off every single person who ever liked me or wanted to connect with me, talking shit about everybody, being angry and unpleasant generally, and the list just sort of goes on from there.

So I act like that and then cry that I’m lonely and unhappy.

Bish…what?

Anyway I’m just really trying not to be like that anymore.

So far I’m doing okay with it. Although I recognize that the first time I hit an external stress factor, that’s when this new positivity resolution is really going to be put to the test. I’m sure I’ll slip up here and there.

Which maybe everybody is like “Big deal, you’ve managed not to be a negative fuck during a very low stress moment of your life. Big whoop.” Nah nah nah…you do not understand. I can stress out over NOTHING. Two weeks ago, I was having panic attacks going “My life is too nice and I don’t deserve it!” I can literally stress out over how not-stressful my life is. The stupidity is strong here.

I’ve been having all my usual “But shouldn’t you worry about…” thoughts, and I’m just pushing them away.

Yesterday, I went to the grocery store and I actually enjoyed going to the grocery store. In the past, I would look for anything to get annoyed about. I decided I was going to have a really nice time shopping at the grocery store, and…then I did. And I still can’t believe I did that.

Y’all do not know what the inside of my head is like. It’s no fun in here. I only notice the negative, only think about what I don’t have, and just kind of keep up a constant stream of self-berating as my internal monologue. And when I’m not doing that, I’m thinking about Columbine and the suicide photos and realizing that I never fantasized about firearm suicide until I got interested in Columbine. I mean….or I’m horny and thinking about sex. For the past three years, after since my late twenties when my sex drive ratcheted itself up by about 1000 percent, the inside of my brain is like: fuck I’m horny, shoot yourself in the head bitch, why is everything so awful, I’m so awful, everything is wrong with me, everything is wrong with life, doing it with a gun would be really quick, oh my god, why the fuck am I so horny, someone kill me. I should kill me. There’s no point in anything. I’m so sad and still so horny. I’ll never be happy. I don’t even want to be happy. I fucking hate everyone.

I’m finally just really over living inside of that thought environment. It isn’t nice and it makes me act fucking retarded.

I mean, I don’t think I can do anything about the sex drive thing, but the negativity I can fix. I really wish I could accurately convey how unpleasant it is to constantly waffle between thinking about the Columbine suicide photos, how much I hate myself and being alive, and wanting to fuck. It’s the absolute worst combination of thought cycles.

I just really really need everyone to know how horrible it is to be a 30-ish woman. It is unpleasant and uncomfortable to have such a massive spike in sex drive out of nowhere.

Having a huge sex drive spike coincide with a period of awful depression and suicidal ideation was the worst. And to anyone who hasn’t been through that combo: I just want everyone to know how strange it is and how uncomfortable and unpleasant it is.

But you know, I’ll do what I can, I can take the negativity out of that thought recipe.

Right now, I’m really happy and just not worrying about ‘what bad things might happen?’

Like, if bad things happen, I’ll figure it out then.