Have I Lost my Optimism?

I have long been an optimist. When things seem troubling, I would always say, “It will get better!” I’ve been that way for years. In fact, it has long been something I considered my defining characteristic.

I have a distinct memory in 2019 when I was running my last marathon. In the last few miles, there was a period where I struggled. I bounced between fast-walking and running. Some observers noticed me and asked if I needed help and I returned with a smile and enthusiasm, “I’ll get there!” I believed it too. I would get there. It was just a brief period of difficulty, but sure enough, I rallied and finished the race, just as I knew I would.

In 2017, I was in talks with author MD Cooper and we were planning to do a collaborative project together that would have been very lucrative. I believed in this project. In fact, I was offered a promotion at work and I considered not taking the promotion because I knew that this collaboration would be released and I wanted to focus more on my upcoming success as a writer. Ultimately, I chose to take the promotion instead, even while knowing that the collaboration would be coming out. And I am SO GLAD I took the promotion because, as you probably know if you read this blog, the project was delayed, then delayed, then delayed, until it ultimately fizzled up and fell apart. What started as a big, lucrative collaborative project with a big-named author turned into a book about pirates that doesn’t sell very well.

At the time in 2017, I had a lot of hope. Even as the project got delayed the first few times, I remember telling people that, “Once I make more money from writing than I do from my day-job, I’ll switch which one is my primary job and which one is my secondary job! It will be great!” And I believed it too. I was so sure that this would happen.

But it didn’t.

Between 2017 and now, I tried a lot of things to get it to happen, even without MD Cooper’s assistance. I had stories featured in short story collections (including two collections that shared MD Cooper’s name, despite those ultimately being weirdly-defined and hard to nail down as a genre). I also tried marketing on YouTube and released my first audio-book, both of which have not been successful. I still maintain the belief that, if the collaboration with MD Cooper had happened, I would be in a much better place as an author than I am now.

The coronavirus lockdown didn’t help with my momentum or my optimism. After a brief panic-inspired “bull-run” on eBooks that sent my sales skyrocketing for a short time, ultimately sales fizzled out as consumer spending decreased. I wasn’t able to go to book fairs (which I was planning on!) and I felt overall gloomy.

Here’s what happened next in this order:
– I lost my primary job at a running store.
– I struggled in my secondary job at a local lifestyle magazine, which was hurt heavily by the coronavirus lockdown.
– I lost another job at a running-related magazine/website.
– I had to completely re-plan and compromise on my wedding.
– I had some medical issues which prevented me from running/working out as much (one of my favorite things to do).
– I was offered an office job that didn’t align with my interests and I felt like I was settling for something I didn’t want.
– Got married and travelled (This one was good!)
– I took the “settling” job and I’ve been there ever since.
– I released the aforementioned audiobook. It did not sell. I have not seen even $1 from it yet to this day.

Apart from my FANTASTIC wedding and honeymoon, that’s a lot of negative back-to-back and that list is just the last year, not even counting everything that happened before that. I’ve been beaten down constantly and repeatedly since 2017 to the point where now, when I look back at it, I feel foolish to believe that I ever actually thought I could write and publish books full-time. I now feel like this sense of lost optimism has found its way into other aspects of my life. I, who was once such a forward-thinking positive person, now feel like everything I do is wrong and that the “way out” is far too difficult to pursue.

I feel like I am never going to move away. I feel like I am never going to get the job I enjoy. I feel like I am never going to get a house. I feel like I will never be a writer.

As a result, my momentum and drive has fallen hard. I write maybe once a week anymore and only for less than an hour or so at a time. I recently hired a company to help me with publishing. I really hope that this company helps turn things around because I need this to work for more than just for my writing career; I need this to work because I just need SOMETHING to go right for me.

Today, other people seem to believe in me more than I believe in myself. At least I have the support of other people, but it’s hard to hear, “Your books are really good!” when the numbers don’t show the same. In fact, it almost makes those words hurt more. It makes me feel like, if I have good product, then I’m the reason that product is not selling.

I don’t know what the answer is. All I know is that I don’t feel like the optimist I used to. Hopefully it’s just a passing thing, but only time will tell.

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