Your Guide to Fictional Authors

It’s a bit of a running topic among writers that we’re never accurately portrayed in movies and TV. I know we’re not the only profession that gets stereotyped in entertainment media, but it’s perversely hilarious that these stereotypes are coming from actual writers.

Why would we do that to ourselves? It’s a mystery.

For funsies, I’ve collected my favorite familiar stereotypes. See how many you recognize!

The Superstar Mystery WriterMost popular mystery writer since Agatha ChristieBoasts massive crossover audience no real mystery author hasOpulent home is completely unaffordable for an author without any movie dealsRegularly vexes local chief of police/homicide detectiveMay also be in love with local chief/detectiveHas an IRL unsolved mystery of his own. It haunts himLots of people die around him. Like, LOTSBecomes murder suspect himself at least once Copyright ABCThe Starry-Eyed DreamerTypically a high school-age girl/college-age womanIf she’s not an aspiring poet or an aspiring reporter, we have no idea what kind of writer she wants to beThinks “It was a dark and story night” is a great way to start a storyDreams of one day traveling the world, because that’s the only way to truly become a writerEventually dumps romantic partner to do just that, is never heard from againThe Pretentious AuteurAlways dresses like he’s going to a job interviewYou know this guy has an MFA in creative writing and still believes that degree was worth every pennyTends to write in coffee shops where fans can conveniently bump into them and express their admirationWhen asked for advice, offers it in the most condescending, demoralizing, and dickish way possibleProduces one finished piece of writing every decadeThe Unhinged PerfectionistAlternates between glaring at a blank screen for hours on end; and bursts of writing feverishly, only to delete everything and rant, “It’s wrong! It’s all wrong!”Always angry, frequently drunkOnce he finishes his play, everything will be great. One big break, that’s all he needs…Invariably blames spouse and/or children for his own lack of creativityHas never actually finished anything Copyright Marvel ComicsThe Moody LonerPerpetually unkemptStill uses a typewriterLikes to lock self away from the world for days at a timeFridge is filled with Chinese takeout cartons, empty cartons of milk, and nothing elseWhich is why they live off coffeeAlways has a cigarette dangling from his lip and/or a half-empty bottle of Jack Daniels on his deskOnly has one friend, his agent/editor/publisher, and ends their every conversation with “I promise I’ll get the manuscript to you as soon as I can”Doesn’t seem to actually enjoy writing Copyright Columbia PicturesThe WunderkindChild prodigyWears glasses meant to make them look wizened, only makes them nerdierWrites better at age ten than most adultsDelights in making grownups feel like idiotsCapable of soul-crushing insights into the human conditionOne out of every ten adults is encouraging, the rest dedicate their energy to dream killing because you can’t make a living as a writer, you need a real jobThe Master of HorrorComes in three flavors: sinister, manic, or broodingWill always be compared at some point to Stephen King (unless character was created by Stephen King)Wears a lot of black, even at homeHas nightmares every single nightDriven/inspired by a major childhood traumaEverything they write IS REAL! Copyright New Line CinemaThe Chick-Lit QueenFriendly and personableSincerely appreciates her career and fansCasually offers life-changing advice during book signingsCat ownerSingle and miserable in private. Why can’t she find love as easily as her characters?The Modern TolkienAuthor of a beloved fantasy saga with a legion of fans who obsess over every detailOpenly hates his legion of fansAnd yet he shows up for book signings and conventions, if only to sigh in exasperation whenever someone in costume asks a questionWill invariably bark “It’s just a story!” in a fit of piqueAlmost always a straight white guyThe Romance AuthorFanbase is nothing but middle-aged womenWrites under a pen name that sounds like a Jane Austen characterEvery book cover is basically the same long-haired, muscly guy in a pirate shirt holding the same swooning woman with a heaving bosom against the same backdrop of a windswept field50/50 chance author is actually a macho dude Copyright The CW/Warner Bros.The SavantDoesn’t know the first thing about the technical aspects of writingStory gets by on sheer wackiness and shock valueStill more entertaining than most literary fictionNone of their premises are any weirder than anything Chuck Tingle ever wrote Copyright NetflixThe One-Hit WonderThe one book they wrote was either a monster success or a crashing failureHas spent the rest of their life trying to write comeback follow-up bookGood chance of turning into The Moody Loner until a love interest comes alongEveryone they meet will say, “Yeah, I think I’ve heard of you. You wrote that book.” Copyright NetflixThe Reclusive GeniusWrote one thing and then vanished after a personal tragedyRe-enters the world after an aspiring writer stalks him until he becomes a grudging mentorHome is filled with personal knickknacks that suggest he has a rich and active life — which he doesn’tNo clear indication how he makes money Copyright Columbia PicturesThe Misunderstood VisionaryHardcore sci-fi geekSocially awkward Annoying AFHas never suffered from Imposter Syndrome, but lord, he shouldHe will tell you all about his screenplayHE WON’T STOP TELLING YOU ALL ABOUT HIS SCREENPLAY Copyright Paramount Pictures